More free BlogHer advice!

Because I know you can't get enough of it.

But listen, ladies. I need to keep it short. I have to write a BlogHer BeautyHacks post tonight.

Now, you'd think my BlogHer BeautyHacks boss would realize, hey, maybe I should get somebody else to publish a post the day before BlogHer! Maybe I shouldn't ask Poppy, since she has only 48 hours to lose 30 pounds, buy all new clothes, grow out her nails, get her hair blown out, her eyebrows waxed, her finger- and toenails polished and her forehead Botoxed. After all, she needs to transform herself into someone much cooler, thinner, younger, and more wrinkle-free before Thursday night's pre-BlogHer Contributing Editor party. And she is a little pressed for time.

But Susan obviously realized that I am not the roommate who amassed a huge collection of collectible clowns and then tried to commit suicide. No, I am the responsible roommate who went to work and accomplished all sorts of squid-like computer-y things. And let me reiterate; this was IN THE EIGHTIES. For anyone who was sending and receiving email as early as 1984, writing a BeautyHacks post should be a piece of cake.

And it is. But it doesn't leave me with a lot of time to post about BlogHer. So quick! Here's my advice:

1. Do not worry about which panel to go to. Put off deciding all that stuff until after you arrive.

Right now, your main job is to overcompensate for your shortcomings. Say you're like me: easily overwhelmed in crowds, easily bossed around, and pretty much clueless. For me, the solution is to 1) find someone bossy and 2) follow her around.

I tend to glom onto Susie Sunshine and blackbird, both of whom are way more knowledgeable about who is whom, who's getting how many hits, who is using which ad network, who just signed a book contract, and all the rest of that shit.

(Except let me just say that two years ago, neither one of them knew who the Pioneer Woman was. OK, I didn't either. But I'm not pretending to know what's going on. Sheesh!)

2. Spend as much time as possible in the bathroom. You meet the coolest people there. I didn't meet The Bloggess in the bathroom in 2007 because I don't think she'd been invented yet, but I did meet Suzanne of Campaign for Unshaved Snatch and Bossy of I am Bossy. I didn't meet the Sarcastic Journalist in the bathroom, but she gave me a tampon, which is almost the same thing.

3. When you're not in the bathroom, be drinking. When you're not drinking, be handing out business cards. If you still don't have business cards, improvise. Take a Sharpie and write your twitter handle on people's hands. Like this:

@poppybuxom

People will love this. Especially if you use indelible ink.

Seriously! It will be so fun, so fresh, so informal!

You'll probably end up the next dooce.

What to take home from BlogHer, from one who has been there, grabbed that.

First of all, I have a confession to make: I'm not exactly an expert. I've only been to one BlogHer conference.

Also, I can be a little clueless at times. Oh yes, I can. Here's all the proof you need--from one of my BlogHer07 follow-up posts. I had this to say about the writer's panel:

On the "writers panel" one panelist wrote books first, and then took to blogging in order to promote her book. One blogger blogs short stories. One blogs every day. I am not impressed. BlogHer executives: this is not the equivalent of having Janet Evanovich, Anna Quindlan, and Norah Ephron up there.

The blogger who blogs every day? Was The Pioneer Woman. And I'd never heard of her. So obviously, in some respects, I'm a know-nothing dimwit.

On the other hand, I've done this conference thing before. So here's my advice.

1. Everyone tells you to pack light (I do myself--see my post about sex toys and why you shouldn't bother to bring them) but nobody tells you to dress lightly, too. I'm not talking about the weather.

Here's what I mean. You'll be carrying a laptop (yes, bring your laptop!) and maybe a purse. You'll have business cards to hand out. You'll be wearing a huge conference name tag on a lariat around your neck. And most of the time, you'll be schlepping a lot of swag around.

So do yourself a favor, and don't wear a bunch of dangling necklaces, or a scarf, or anything too fussy from the waist up. Keep it simple. You want people to be able to see your name tag. And your face.

2. Be prepared to accumulate an amazing amount of stuff. If you can manage it, pack a second soft-sided suitcase inside your regular suitcase. Don't bring a tote bag unless it zips shut. I live in Chicago, so I didn't have to worry about getting all my BlogHer07 loot onto a plane, but getting home from BlissDom09 was a challenge.

3. Think twice before grabbing everything being given away. Especially if you end up having to check a bag. There will be free books, CDs, DVDs, t-shirts, tote bags and trinkets--you name it. Keep your priorities in mind. Checking a bag costs $15 or $20. Did I need all six copies of the romance novel someone was giving away at Blissdom? Not when I had all those boxes of Little Debbie 100-calorie Nutty Bars to pack. First things first, people!

4. Bring an extra Zip-Lock bag for the business cards you'll accumulate. When you have a moment, jot notes on the back of the cards about the person who gave it to you. You need to do it while the experience is fresh in your mind. If you had a great time chatting, you'll want to shoot an email to anyone you really connected with, and you can't do that if you can't remember which person is which.

5. Memories. But you knew that.

(Are we excited???? Squee!!!)