52 Things that annoy, displease or otherwise offend Poppy Buxom:

52. Going to the beach.
51. Anti-semitism. These days it bothers me even more than racism.
50. Foodies. I like food and I'm a good cook, but if you start talking about pink Himalayan salt, I'll have to hurt you.
49. Boozies. Shut up and get drunk.
48. The fashion industry for deciding that everything 10 years old is hideous, but everything 20 years old is cool.
47. The fashion industry for making the revival of grunge and flannel not only inevitable, but predictable.
46. Those stickers on the outside of CDs.
45. The record industry for jacking up the price of recordings when they switched to CDs.
44. The record industry for whining when people bought MP3s instead.
43. Badly trained children.
42. Badly trained dogs.
41. Cars with filthy, smelly interiors.
40. Men who wear pants that are too short.
39. Women who wear bras that don't fit.
38. Forty-something women who refer to other women the same age as "girls."
37. Forty-something women who want to be referred to as "girls."
36. People who think sororities or fraternities are important when they're over 25.
35. People who are still all rah-rah about their college when they're over 35.
34. Highways that have rest areas 100 miles apart. I am not a camel.
33. Men who dye their hair.
32. Men who dye their facial hair.
31. People who talk about stuff like their operations or their sex lives without realizing that maybe the rest of the world is kind of squeamish and/or prudish. Because I am.
30. People who wear horrible looking clothes because "they're comfortable." Fine. But what harm have my eyeballs ever done you?
29. People who are constantly yakking on their cell phones.
28. 4:00 on Sunday afternoon.
27. When Blockbuster doesn't have the disk I want.
26. Muzak. Especially now that it's oldies.
25. Library fines. They should feel grateful they're getting my tax dollars, but no, they nickel and dime me to death.
24. The stubble-faced look guys have been working for far too long. Between Hugh Laurie and Patrick Dempsey, I have an overwhelming urge to mow my lawn, and it's January.
23. Family members who announce they're coming to stay with me.
22. Anyone who thinks it's cool to refer to executives as "the suits."
21. Women who refuse to age. Madonna is the Marlene Dietrich of our time. It's not glamorous, it's scary.
20. People who don't take their crying children out of a public gathering immediately, and I say "immediately" begins with the second audible squawk.
19. Fishing my family's underpants out of their clothes when I do the laundry.
18. Pizza crusts with cheese in them. Like it wasn't already fattening enough.
17. People who talk to me on airplanes. I'll play along, but I'll resent every second of lost "me" time.
16. Thomas Kinkade.
15. My daughter's Uggs.
14. People who talk about television. I worked in an office where every morning they rehashed last night's television programs. Then they moved on to what they had had for dinner. And they wonder why I quit.
13. People who talk about sex.
12. People who comment only to disagree with me. That's what the trash barrel button is for. This is not a democracy; it's a blogtatership.
11. The idea that because I blog, I'm a brand. Like what, Spandex? Playtex? Geritol?
10. Food with ingredients that get stuck in my teeth. Poppy seeds, I'm looking at you. (And don't think I'm not aware of your perfidy, spinach.)
09. Guys who talk around me at black tie events because I'm only a housewife. Believe it or not, this has actually happened. I know.
08. Piercings.
07. People who don't laugh at my jokes, and instead, tell me that I'm funny. Hey, mister state-the-obvious? Way to suck the oxygen out of the room.
06. Happy Meal toys.
05. Groups of teenagers. They're best sampled individually.
04. Getting older. My car, my house, my kids, and me.
03. Surprises.
02. My mother.
01. Know-it-all bloggers who use Avitable's posts as a base for complaining about everything under the sun.

It was kind of like going grocery shopping while hungry, except more expensive.

OK, so I had a bunch of stuff to do today.

For one thing, my 12-year-old daughter had a sleepover birthday party on Saturday night, and her guests found her stash of Glamorous Dress Up Accessories, including two bright red feather boas that a friend sent us once in the mistaken belief that we would make a darling Mother/Daughter draq queen/drag princess. Instead, in a rare moment of maturity, I let my daughter take both boas.

Well, exactly what you'd expect to happen when you combine a bunch of 12-year-olds and two bright red feather boas happened. And now my entire house is covered in feathers.

In addition to dealing with the feathers, today's plans also included a much-needed gym work-out, a few piles of laundry, and some correspondence. Basically, that was supposed to be my day.

But then the long-awaited Mamarazzi update started happening, and if you think I was seeing red, what with the feathers all over the floor, you should have seen me then. Because it wasn't going all that well.

Then the mail showed up with my children's grades. I'm not saying their grades were disappointing or below par, and there's nothing wrong with growing up to become a school bus driver like Otto in The Simpsons. But I did have a sudden, uncontrollable need to shove M&Ms down my pie hole.

So is it any wonder that I called up Ballard Designs and ordered this


to take the place of a somewhat elderly Sheraton-style loveseat that badly needs reupholstering (or maybe FreeCycling, because it is not comfortable and never has been?)

Or that I bought this to put in front of it. Upholstered in a fabric they call "Toffee check."


Mmmm, toffee.

Honestly, it's lucky I had already budgeted for a few new pieces because actually calling up and ordering them kept me from burning my house down, filing for insurance, and ordering the entire Pottery Barn catalog.

Waiting

Even as we speak, some smartypants computer-y guy is installing a new Mamarazzi template and porting the data from our old to a new server. This is something we've been working on since April, so this is a very. long. pregnancy.

And now there's nothing I can do but wait to hear from him.

You know in movies from the 1930s when a woman was having a baby, they'd show the scene where the father paces around the hospital waiting room, smoking cigarette after cigarette, freaking out, being a nervous wreck, and trying to act like he's OK?

Well, that's me. All except the cigarettes.

I'll let you know when it's time to start handing out cigars.

Sit back and relax while I broaden your cultural horizons

La pendule fait "tic tac tic tac"
Les oiseaux du lac font "pic pac pic pac"
"Glou glou glou" font tous les dindons
Et la jolie cloche fait ding dang don
Mais ...
Boum
Quand notre coeur fait Boum
Tout avec lui dit Boum
Et c'est l'amour qui s'éveille.
Boum
Il chante "love in bloom"
Au rythme de ce Boum
Qui redit Boum à l'oreille
Tout a changé depuis hier
Et la rue a des yeux qui regardent aux fenêtres
Y a du lilas et y a des mains tendues
Sur la mer le soleil va paraître
Boum
L'astre du jour fait Boum
Tout avec lui dit Boum
Quand notre coeur fait Boum Boum

Le vent dans les bois fait hou hou hou
La biche aux a bois fait mê mê mê
La vaisselle cassée fait cric cric crac
Et les pieds mouillés font flic flic flac
Mais...
Boum
Quand notre coeur fait Boum
Tout avec lui dit Boum
L'oiseau dit Boum, c'est l'orage
Boum
L'éclair qui lui fait boum
Et le bon Dieu dit Boum
Dans son fauteuil de nuages.
Car mon amour est plus vif que l'éclair
Plus léger qu'un oiseau qu'une abeille
Et s'il fait Boum s'il se met en colère
Il entraîne avec lui des merveilles.
Boum
Le monde entier fait Boum
Tout l'univers fait Boum
Parc'que mon coeur fait Boum Boum
Boum
Je n'entends que Boum Boum
Ça fait toujours Boum Boum
Boum Boum Boum...

When I was a geek, I spake as a geek, I understood as a geek, I thought as a geek: but when I became a mother, I let my son do it instead.

My son just walked into the living room with the number candles for his sister's birthday cake.

"It's January," he said, holding up a

1,

"and it's the 21st," he added, holding up a

2 and a 1,

"and she's turning

12,"

he concluded, reversing the numbers.

Call me a sideshow geek, but it gives me the warm fuzzies to see him noticing number patterns like that.

Drain-O

President Obama and his speech and his Yo-Yo Ma and his Elizabeth Alexander and his wife and her ugly daytime outfit and his wife and her gorgeous night-time outfit and the prayers and the singing and ARETHA'S HAT and the balls and Beyoncé singing "At Last" while President and Mrs. Obama danced at what felt like the nation's wedding ...

Well, I'm tired out. Drained. By Obama.

Also, I thought President Obama would want me to clear out all the Christmas decorations (of which we have not a few) in honor of his inauguration, so I did, and now I'm checking out the efficacy of Exedrin for Back Pain, which coincidentally enough, I saw advertised on ABC tonight while I was watching Inauguration festivities.

You know, if this were Variety and I needed one of those snappy headlines that conveys everything to the insider but nothing to people outside the show business community, I would say

Brain-O, back pain-o, and drain-o.

Oh, and 22. A spell checker for my computer

For your reading pleasure, a peek into what 12-year-old girls are craving these days. At least, one almost 12-year-old girl I know.

Dear Whoever Finds This,

I would like the following things for my B-day, which is coming up in 2 days.

1. 25$ Itunes gift card
2. The Book, Fairest
3. The book, The Indian in the Cupboard
4. The book, Life as we Knew it
5. A pair of High-heeled go-go boots
6. Kirby Canvas Curse
7. Perfume (Either floral, stimulating, or fruit scented)
8. A pair of pink high-heeled platform shoes
9. Smecils-lots of them
10. Scented markers-also lots of them
11. A pair of Jimmy-choo flip flops (For the summer)
12. A trampoline for the summer
13. A pink Protta tote
14. A tiffany hair band
15. A sable
16. 20 dollars
17. A sleepover
18. Ballons
19. A chocolate cake from Jewle with chocolate frosting with the words Happy Birthday, Pop3tt3!
20. CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM WITH THE CAKE! :-)
21. Brekfast in bed

OK, this is a long list, but I'll be able to manage some of it. I can see the books, the chocolate cake, the balloons, the Kirby game, the scented markers and Smencils. And I am not nearly as stupid as she thinks; I recognize that she is trying to tell me that she wants chocolate ice cream with the cake and not that lame vanilla stuff you usually buy, mother.

But in case you think I'm over-indulgent? I think it's safe to say that she will not be receiving a sable for her 12th birthday.

Also, I managed to convince her that there is actually no such thing as a Tiffany hair band, which is why it got crossed off the list.

And don't worry, people. She's not getting a Prada tote until she can spell it.

Picto-chat

So hey, internet, did you miss me? I mean, I don't know whether you noticed, but after a year of posting every single damned day on one blog or another, sometimes more than once, I took a week off.

So what did I do? Well, I weathered a blizzard, dealt with sub-zero temperatures, hosted a small, exquisitely-exclusive bloggers mini-convention, and went to two amazing parties. One of which was an 80's themed housewarming party at Jen Lancaster's.

Which is all the back-story you need to enjoy this slice of real life--some Gmail chat between me and Susie Sunshine:


SusieSunshine: Oh, did I send the you Couch Series of Photos yet?

I cropped them and we (you especially) look ADORABLE

11:41 AM Poppy: Yes, you did.And no, YOU look adorable, Miss Madonna-Wannabe.I'll probably use them on my blog. There are some where you can't see bb's face at all.

me, blackbird, and Susie Sunshine representing

the three monkeys of the 80s

Prep no evil, Punk no evil, Pop no evil

SusieSunshine: whatevs, I need to work on that gigormon thigh I insisted be in EVERY DAMN PICTURE

gah

11:42 AM meI need to work on the basketballs I am apparently trying to smuggle through customs by hiding them inside my polo shirt.

SusieSunshine: Dude, that's BUXOM.

me: But they don't need to be so POPPY."My buxoms be popping."

11:43 AM SusieSunshine: HAHAHAHAHA I love the pic of you and that stud muffin you married coming down the stairs looking all guilty-like.

WE KNOW WHAT YOU WERE DOING IN THAT FANCY DANCY SHOWER.

me: Totally. We always have sex at ginormous open houses where total strangers could walk in on us at any minute. That's how we keep the love alive.

---
Another thing I did was work with the web designer/developer on a new-and-improved update of Mamarazzi. It was supposed to go live this morning, but there were a few threads still dangling, like the masses of data that need to be ported. And the matter of ownership of the domain. You know, details.

Color me frustrated. I'm craving New! Different! Shiny! Sparkly! not to mention Comments! Forums! Pictures! Chat! and Guest Blog Posts! So I started a Mamarazzi social network site. If you haven't already, please sign up. Let me know what you think of today's Mamarazzi post.

Even as I type this, I'm winning Worst Mother of the Year award.

Luckily for me, it's only January. I have 11 months to be even worse.

So what am I doing that's so terrible? Well, it's parent visitation day at my kids' school, and right now I could be watching my daughter's PE class, or watching my son's science class. Or perhaps I could be in the shower, or getting dressed, or putting on some makeup. Or eating some breakfast.

This is not me.
It's Sherry Johnston, Alaskan grandparent and drug felon.
But there is definitely a resemblance.

Instead, I'm publishing a link to my latest Mamarazzi post, in which I award a Mamarazzi Mom of the Year award. With a link back to this post so you can tell me how mean I am.

And that is why I'm entering a shame spiral.

p.s. Also, blackbird is flying into town today. (That is, she will fly in if it ever stops snowing.) Well. You know how stylish and perfect blackbird is? Um ... she's going to see my house. With me in it. And neither my house nor my person is going to win any awards for stylishness, mmmk?

I have nothing to say, except

I might not be blogging tomorrow. Because

I did it.

I didn't manage to lose 40 pounds and keep it off. I didn't manage to take part in a sprint triathlon. But I blogged every single day from January 4, 2008 until today.

I blogged here, or at Mamarazzi, or at BlogHer, or at my moribund food blog, or at my not-quite-as-moribund shopping blog (where I trendily embraced the new austerity long before it was fashionable).

And actually, it's been more than a year. Because I signed up for Blog365 in the midst of my traditional 12 Days of Blogmas mini-marathon of self-indulgent idiocy, which, naturally enough, started the previous December 25th. But I was officially on board for Blog365 on January 4 of last year.

So. A Year of Me.

I hope we had fun. I think we did, but I can't really remember. But that's OK. It's all written down!

All I need to do is re-read my archives.

Charlie Tamara Elvis Parton? Or, it must be a Mamarazzi day

I'll admit it right off the bat: I'd never heard of Rebecca what's her face and Jerry O'What's-his-name.

I guess this is because I've never watched Ugly Betty.

But did that stop me from making fun of them on Mamarazzi? Of course not!

So tell me. Do you think when they join the Screen Actors Guild, future stars (whom I've never heard of) have to sign a contract, in blood, that should they spawn, their offspawn will be assigned completely stupid names?

I mean, sure it sounds far-fetched. But it's the only answer that makes sense.

12 Days of Blogmas, Day 12

Here's your last chance to win a gift card! You remember what to do, right?

1. Look at the pictures.

2. Try to figure out what Christmas carol they represent. Today it's the carol's title.

3. Leave a comment with your brilliant solution. Or be all funny and sarcastic and forfeit the Starbucks gift card, even though you have a four-latte-a-day-habit, and I'm looking at you, Susie Sunshine.

4. If you're right, you win a $15 Starbucks gift card. (Or an iTunes gift card, if you think Starbucks coffee tastes burnt.)

5. Remember, the phrase probably includes little words--basic verbs, articles, pronouns, and prepositions--that produce pretty strange results in Google Images. After all, it's Deck THE halls WITH boughs OF holly, and when you do a search for the, with, and of, you come up with pretty random images.

So look for the nouns. Christmas carol-y nouns like angels, mangers, stars, nights, oxen, and asses.

7. OK! I'm done! And so is Christmas. Gloria in excelsis deo, not to mention alleluia.

12 Days of Blogmas, Day 11

OK, here we are at the second-to-last day of Christmas. Which means it's the second-to-last chance for you to enter my contest.

You remember what to do, right?

1. Look at the pictures.


2. Try to figure out what Christmas carol they represent. (Usually I show the first line of the first verse, i.e., "Silent night, holy night" because just "Silent Night" would be too short.)


3. Leave a comment with your well-reasoned and thoughtful solution. Or take the opportunity to make fun of me.


4. If you're right, you win a $15 Starbucks gift card. (Or iTunes, if you prefer Dunkin Donuts coffee--and who doesn't?)


5. And here's a hint, because honestly, the emails are getting to me.
   
   Most of the time, the phrase I'm using includes little words--basic verbs, articles, pronouns, and prepositions--that produce pretty strange results in Google Images. After all, it's THE first Noel and WE three kings OF orient ARE. And when you do a search for the, we, of, and are, you come up with pretty random images.
   
   So look for the nouns. Christmas carol-y nouns like angels, mangers, stars, nights, oxen, and asses.



6. Also, in today's contest, I repeated a preposition from one of my previous days. And Manet was not painting an angel.



7. OK, angels little birds. It's out of the manger nest with you.

Ready?

12 Days of Blogmas, Day 10

Hey internet! Sing along with Poppy!

"We're on the road to nowhere ..."

(Actually, at the moment, after 12 hours of driving, we're at a Hampton Inn outside of Cleveland, Ohio. So I have NO IDEA why I have that Talking Heads ear worm. Because we're not actually still on the road--and we won't be on the road again until tomorrow. Also, Ohio isn't nowhere. Or is it? Heh.)

But! I'm still giving away $15 Starbucks (or iTunes) gift cards. Because it's still Christmas. I say so, and so does tradition.

So here's what you do: look at the Google images, figure out which Christmas carol they illustrate, and leave your answer in a comment. The first person to get it right wins.

Have fun!

12 Days of Blogmas, Day 9

The contest continues! Here are the rules. It's a rebus made of Google images. Each image is one word. The words are either the first line of a Christmas carol OR its title--probably both.

Guess the first line and/or title and win your choice of a $15 Starbucks or iTunes gift card. (Which I'll be buying and sending when I'm no longer on the road. Because you can't see it from here, but I'm in Rhode Island. And any minute now I'll be getting in the car and driving to Chicago.)

And I felt all merciful, what with all the WHINING. So seriously, this one is child's play. And today it's the FIRST LINE because the title would be really short.

Ready? Here goes:

12 Days of Blogmas, Day 8

Happy New Year, internet!

We're driving to Boston to have lunch with my brother HENRY and then traveling to Rhode Island to visit my in-laws, so this is going to have to be fast.

Here's todays' contest: figure out which Christmas Carol is illustrated by the following uncredited Google images at the rate of one image per word. Leave a guess in a comment. The first person to guess right wins his or her choice of a $15 Starbucks or iTunes card.

Maybe it's my new year's resolution to be merciful and cut the internet some slack, but internet, I have heard your whining. So I've decided to make things a little bit easier for you. I've recycled an image from a previous day, and it's a repeated word, so it appears twice. So don't say I've never done anything for you. Even with your hangover, this shouldn't be all that hard.

Here goes: