What to take home from BlogHer, from one who has been there, grabbed that.

First of all, I have a confession to make: I'm not exactly an expert. I've only been to one BlogHer conference.

Also, I can be a little clueless at times. Oh yes, I can. Here's all the proof you need--from one of my BlogHer07 follow-up posts. I had this to say about the writer's panel:

On the "writers panel" one panelist wrote books first, and then took to blogging in order to promote her book. One blogger blogs short stories. One blogs every day. I am not impressed. BlogHer executives: this is not the equivalent of having Janet Evanovich, Anna Quindlan, and Norah Ephron up there.

The blogger who blogs every day? Was The Pioneer Woman. And I'd never heard of her. So obviously, in some respects, I'm a know-nothing dimwit.

On the other hand, I've done this conference thing before. So here's my advice.

1. Everyone tells you to pack light (I do myself--see my post about sex toys and why you shouldn't bother to bring them) but nobody tells you to dress lightly, too. I'm not talking about the weather.

Here's what I mean. You'll be carrying a laptop (yes, bring your laptop!) and maybe a purse. You'll have business cards to hand out. You'll be wearing a huge conference name tag on a lariat around your neck. And most of the time, you'll be schlepping a lot of swag around.

So do yourself a favor, and don't wear a bunch of dangling necklaces, or a scarf, or anything too fussy from the waist up. Keep it simple. You want people to be able to see your name tag. And your face.

2. Be prepared to accumulate an amazing amount of stuff. If you can manage it, pack a second soft-sided suitcase inside your regular suitcase. Don't bring a tote bag unless it zips shut. I live in Chicago, so I didn't have to worry about getting all my BlogHer07 loot onto a plane, but getting home from BlissDom09 was a challenge.

3. Think twice before grabbing everything being given away. Especially if you end up having to check a bag. There will be free books, CDs, DVDs, t-shirts, tote bags and trinkets--you name it. Keep your priorities in mind. Checking a bag costs $15 or $20. Did I need all six copies of the romance novel someone was giving away at Blissdom? Not when I had all those boxes of Little Debbie 100-calorie Nutty Bars to pack. First things first, people!

4. Bring an extra Zip-Lock bag for the business cards you'll accumulate. When you have a moment, jot notes on the back of the cards about the person who gave it to you. You need to do it while the experience is fresh in your mind. If you had a great time chatting, you'll want to shoot an email to anyone you really connected with, and you can't do that if you can't remember which person is which.

5. Memories. But you knew that.

(Are we excited???? Squee!!!)

How to go to a blogging conference, Part 1: Don't bring your Hitachi Magic Wand

Confession time: I was totally in love with my last post. I was so in love with it that we got married. And no matter how old and shop-worn my last post got, I couldn't bear to dump it in favor of a younger, thinner trophy post.

What was so special about it?

I lost my blogging Hitachi Magic Wand virginity in that post. You see, I'd been blogging for almost five years, and yet somehow, I'd never mentioned the Hitachi Magic Wand before. But then I did. And the earth moved.

But now it's time to move on. Because sex isn't everything. And neither are Hitachi Magic Wands.

Now, a while ago, when Blissdom09 was winding down, I told the internet I was going to write a post about how to go to a blogging conference. With BlogHer looming on the horizon, I figured that now was as good a time as any to make good on this threat.

I could get all demure here and say that having attended precisely two blogging conferences, I'm not exactly an expert. But the way I see it, blogging is like a virtual literary pyramid scheme where everyone who starts blogging inspires 1,000 other people to start blogging, too. That means you're a newbie for maybe a month. There will always be lots more people who know even less than you do. So you might as well go ahead and call yourself an expert. Since I've been blogging for almost five years, I'm probably your blogging great-great-grandmother. So pipe down, you whippersnappers, and listen up.

If you go to a blogging conference, you'll hear all about Search Engine Optimization, or SEO. And if you're like me, you'll pretty much zone out, because who cares, right?

And yet, like me, you'll eventually realize that you might pick up a few extra hits by mentioning the Hitachi Magic Wand every other sentence. And you'll probably pick up a few more hits by using pictures that you stole from a sex toy website and then renamed

PoppyBuxom_says_thats_not_where_you_use_a_HitachiMagic
Wand.jpg.


Or


PoppyBuxom_doesnt_actually_own_a_HitachiMagicWand.jpg.

And I don't. But if you do, don't bring it to a blogging conference. First of all, you're going to have to go through airport security, and it could be embarrassing. I mean, look at that thing. It's as long as my arm.

And anyway, what you really need to bring is business cards. At least 200 of them. There are lots of places that can make them for you. And keep them handy--stash a few in your pockets, in your laptop case, in your purse. Get so you can hand over a business card within seconds of meeting someone. Keep a pen handy for notes.


You'll notice I use my avatar on mine. I do this to cushion the blow people feel when they discover that I'm not a semi-nude 23-year old Parisian with poppies in my hair. Now that I've clued you in, when I hand you my card you'll have your pen ready, and you'll be able to write THE MIDDLE-AGED BLABBERMOUTH WHO DOES NOT RESEMBLE HER AVATAR AT ALL on the back before you throw it away.

Next up: How to go to a blogging conference, Part 2: What to bring home. Stick around. This post will probably be my dirty mistress for a while, but Part 2 will show up eventually.