Why I don't need to update my blog.

mossimobag
Originally uploaded by Trilby.

OK, it's been two weeks. But I really don't even need to tell you that, do I? And I don't need to tell you what I've been doing, either, do I? No, I don't.

And I don't need to keep asking rhetorical questions, either, because not only do I already know the answers, so do you.

This is because I have become you.

Want proof? How about this: Like Blackbird, I'm constantly taking pictures with a digital camera.* Like Jasmine, I'm spending a lot of time mooching around Chicago. Like Susie Sunshine, much of this time has been spent in parking garages wondering where the hell my car is.

It gets worse--like Badger, I have just embarked on a long and costly Target run (well, costly for Target, anyway; you could sneeze in a Neiman Marcus and it would cost you what I just spent.) And I was in a state of bliss the whole time. I mean, sure, I told myself I was going there to buy children's birthday presents, but then I was all Halloween paper plates! Yes! Halloween candy! Throw it in the cart! Work out clothes! Sweet! Oooh, hair styling stuff is on sale! And then I found the perfect el cheapo knock off of a Marc Jacobs' bag, so of course I had to buy it. (For those who are interested: actually I bought it in black, or more accurately, a pearly sort of charcoal gray.)

Like Fiddledee, I am a busty, freckly brunette currently taking almost daily yoga classes. And scarily enough, she practically had to kidnap me to get me to start doing it--but I like it. A lot. So not only am I her doppelganger, I have Stockholm Syndrome.

And that's not the scariest part. The scariest part is that like Joke, I just bought two products designed to clean, shine, and generally love up the interior of my car. Yeah, I know--he has car cleaning stuff like I have lipsticks, and two products won't impress him--but frankly, I'm pretty surprised at myself.

So basically, if you're reading this, the chances are I'm going to become you very soon.

--P.

*Unlike Blackbird, I can't get it together to upload them.

It's aliiiiive. (For now.)

Things have been quiet around here lately because I managed to kill both of my computers.

So for the past few days, my laptop has been at a local Mac body shop doing its inimitable impression of roadkill. The desktop has been sitting in my study thumbing its nose at me. My only access to the internet was via the PC in my son's room. Hence the relative dearth of posts. It seemed kind of insensitive to barge in there and pound away at the keyboard while he was trying to sleep.

So anyway, the good news is that Apple is getting ready to send me a brand new iBook.

See, the last time I called them, I ripped the customer service representative a new one. In fact, I completely reconstructed his means of egress. By the time I was through with him, he could have driven a Volkswagon Beetle up there and parked it next to the Escalade. Unfortunately, this approach netted me only another free repair. Which means I performed aural surgery on the guy and what did I get for my trouble? A two year-old laptop with a habit of breaking down just when it's needed most.

So this time I decided that Apple was going to give me a new computer.

I read somewhere on someone's blog that Apple totally sucked! No, wait a minute, actually Apple was so wonderful. This other blogger's situation was similar to mine, and she ended up with a lovely brand-spanking-new iBook. (Of course, now I can't find that particular series of blog entries, but if you click here, you'll see what I've been going through. Thanks to Melissa at Suburban Bliss for giving the voice to my pain.)

So anyway, back to Apple. I decided to act nice. I was completely charming and sweet to the customer service guy, and then, once I had him pretty much eating out of my hand, I remarked--rather diffidently--that since they've repaired this laptop six times in two years, could we agree that my so-called Apple was actually more of a lemon? Ar ar ar. And the gentleman on the other end of the line allowed as how six repairs in two years is asking a Bit Much, even of a devoted Apple consumer. And he gave me a new one. Yay, me!

But I don't have it yet. I've got to send it back before they'll send me a new one. Before I do that, I need to get the data out of the old one. So it's at the body shop getting chopped.

So tonight I figured, what the hell, I'll see if the desktop will boot up.

So I turned it on, holding down shift-control-option (which I have been told cleanses the chakras or resets the PRAM or something along those lines). And lo and behold, it booted right up.

I won't say "I hate it when that happens," because it certainly beats waking up my son to blog. But I must say, it's incredibly, annoyingly random. A desktop that works about as often--but not as regularly--as a stopped clock, and takes up a square foot of real estate in a study that is always on the verge of being condemned by the housing authorities for overcrowding isn't earning its keep and badly needs to be donated to whatever charity would be stupid enough to take it.

So I think I'll donate it to the local branch of the Republican party.

OK, I'm just kidding. Just making with the funny for my Republican readers (both of them.)

I would never do that. Because with my luck, once I give it away, the stupid thing will probably start working flawlessly. Or, if it starts acting hinky, the Republicans will probably know that fancy chakra-cleansing PRAM trick.

Well, duh, of course they know it. They just used it on Dubya.

Heh heh heh. I crack me up.

--P.

Listmania: Books

The Bible
Originally uploaded by Trilby.

Copied from Joke:

Number of books I have owned:Easily into the thousands. And even though I purge and purge, I still own way too many. I have a lot of bookshelves: three in my bedroom, five in my study, one in the kitchen, one in the living room, and the overload is housed in seven bookshelves in the basement "rec room."

Last book I bought:There were five, all from Bookman's Alley in Evanston, IL--the kind of used bookstore that would leave Joke breathless with adoration:

The American Weekend Garden, by Patricia Thorpe
The New England Yankee Cook Book
Heirloom Gardens, by Mimi Luebbermann
Social Usage and Etiquette: A Book of Manners for Every Day Use, by Eleanor B. Clapp (1904)
Harriet Hubbard Ayer's Book: A Complete and Authentic Treatise on the Laws of Health and Beauty (19th century edition, reprinted in 1974)

Last book I completed:
The Personality of a House, by Emily Post

Five books that mean a lot to me: (in no order)
1. The Unexpurgated Code, by J. P. Donleavy
2. An Old-Fashioned Girl, by Louisa May Alcott
3. The Philosopher's Diet by Richard A. Watson
4. Etiquette: The Blue Book of Social Usage, by Emily Post
5. The Official Preppy Handbook

What are you currently reading?
1. Nesting: It's a Chick Thing, by Ame Mahler Beanland and Emily Miles Terry
2. The Complete Home: An Encyclopedia of Domestic Life and Affairs, by Julia McNair Wright
3. The American Weekend Garden by Patricia Thorpe
4. Three Men in a Boat, To Say Nothing of the Dog, by Jerome K. Jerome
5. The Luck of the Bodkins, by P. G. Wodehouse

To which 5 bloggers are you passing this on?
Fiddledeedee, Jasmine, Jujube, Susie Sunshine, and Badger--if she hasn't already done it.
--P.

Zero Percent Flair?

Myrna Loy You scored 21% grit, 23% wit, 14% flair, and 59% class!

You are class itself, the calm, confident "perfect woman." Men turn and look at you admiringly as you walk down the street, and even your rivals have a grudging respect for you. You always know the right thing to say, do and, of course, wear. You can take charge of a situation when things get out of hand, and you're a great help to your partner even if they don't immediately see or know it. You are one classy dame. Your screen partners include William Powell and Cary Grant, you little simmerpot, you. Find out what kind of classic leading man you'd make by taking the Classic Leading Man Test.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 57% on grit You scored higher than 57% on wit You scored higher than 0% on flair You scored higher than 99% on class

Link: The Classic Dames Test written by gidgetgoes on Ok Cupid

Mind you, I won't argue with my 99 percent class score. But zero percent flair? I like to think I have at least a little bit of flair ... unless we're talking about those disposable markers.* Or the long-defunct magazine edited by Fleur Cowles.**

--P.

* Further proof, if any is needed, that my low wit score is warranted.
** Further proof, if any is needed, that my knowledge of high-end la-dee-dah-ness is almost too great.

What, me cool?

I may wet my pants from sheer excitement. OK Cupid has pronounced me a

Modern, Cool Nerd 56 % Nerd, 52% Geek, 17% Dork

For The Record: A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia. A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one. A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions. You scored better than half in Nerd and Geek, earning you the title of: Modern, Cool Nerd. Nerds didn't use to be cool, but in the 90's that all changed. It used to be that, if you were a computer expert, you had to wear plaid or a pocket protector or suspenders or something that announced to the world that you couldn't quite fit in. Not anymore. Now, the intelligent and geeky have eked out for themselves a modicum of respect at the very least, and "geek is chic." The Modern, Cool Nerd is intelligent, knowledgable and always the person to call in a crisis (needing computer advice/an arcane bit of trivia knowledge). They are the one you want as your lifeline in Who Wants to Be a Millionaire (or the one up there, winning the million bucks)! Congratulations! Also, you might want to check out some of my other tests if you're interested in any of the following: Buffy the Vampire Slayer Professional Wrestling Love & Sexuality America/Politics Thanks Again! -- THE NERD? GEEK? OR DORK? TEST

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 44% on nerdiness You scored higher than 70% on geekosity You scored higher than 18% on dork points

Link: The Nerd? Geek? or Dork? Test written by donathos on Ok Cupid

BBC reporter Matt Wells on the situation in New Orleans

And personally, I think he pretty much sums it up here:

The uneasy paradox which so many live with in this country - of being first-and-foremost rugged individuals, out to plunder what they can and paying as little tax as they can get away with, while at the same time believing that America is a robust, model society - has reached a crisis point this week. 

But then, I'm such a leftie-bolshie Blue State Liberal.

So if you think the poverty-stricken/elderly/diabetic people in New Orleans should have gotten off their lazy butts and hired, you know, like a limo or something to take them far away from Katrina, don't click here.

--P.

Fugly is the new beautiful

The more news reports I see, the more convinced I am that Katrina was the fugliest bitch ever seen south of the Mason-Dixon line.

So I was glad to see that those fabulous gals at Go Fug Yourself have posted a ton of links to charities, foundations, and retailers involved with the clean-up and care of the refugees.

They've got everything from new ways to link to the usual suspects (Yahoo's alternate link to the American Red Cross) to local charities like the St. Vincent de Paul center in NO, to a fund for providing food to refugees at Houston's Astrodome, to retailers who are providing support, etc., etc., etc. And they have promised to keep the list updated.

Check it out here.

--P.

Donating airline miles for Hurricane Katrina relief

The American Red Cross will accept donations of airline miles from American West, Continental, Delta, Northwest, or United.

Personally, I think this is the greatest thing since sliced bread. What a great way to actually do something constructive with the airline miles you have that you'll never use, or that will expire before you have squirreled away enough for even an advance-notice round-trip to an unpopular destination. So sorry, Boise, Idaho--my miles are going to those bitchslapped by Hurricane Katrina.

The procedure for each airline is different. Find out what to do by clicking here.

--P.

Seven Things

Thanks to Badger for not tagging me, but allowing me to find (not loot) this nice light-hearted meme, which makes a piquant change of pace from Hurricane Katrina:

Seven Things I Plan to do Before I Die:
1. finish my doctoral dissertation
2. become an arbiter of society
3. indulge in assorted bits of plastic surgery
4. take a cruise
5. acquire a lot more jewelry
6. basically, become ever more deeply shallow
7. and then blog about it all

Seven Things I Can Do
1. sing
2. play the piano
3. crumple up a bit of paper of whatever size and throw it into a wastebasket from whatever distance
4. insert my entire right fist into my mouth
5. tell jokes
6. swear
7. write (at least, I hope.)

Seven Things I Cannot Do
1. drive a standard transmission
2. whistle between my teeth
3. see without my glasses
4. stand scotch
5. or cognac
6. understand why people are so horrified by cold winters
7. overcome my WASPiness

Seven Things that Attract Me to the Opposite Sex
1. brains
2. wit
3. the ability to laugh at my jokes
4. a great speaking voice
5. broad shoulders
6. gorgeous hands
7. naughtiness

Seven Things I Say Most Often
1. "Time for dinner!"
2. "I can't find my ... "
3. "... whose-a-ma-whatsie."
4. "Oh. My. GOD!"
5. "Holy bananas!"
6. "Too much talking!"
7. "That's a one."

Seven Celebrity Crushes
1. Bill Murray
2. William Powell
3. James Cagney
4. Spiderman
5. Michael Keaton
6. John Lennon
7. Henry B. Walthall

Fiddledeedee, Jasmine, Joke, Jujube, Kiki, Penny Pressed, and Susie Sunshine--you're it!

--P

I loathe the guy, but HONESTLY, people.

Can people stop the blame game at least until we have, say, a body count, or at least a sense of how long it will be before they can pump the water out of New Orleans?

I'm as leftie-bolshie as the next Blue State voter, but I felt positively sick when I read Molly Ivins's column this morning--because even though "playing the blame game is tacky," according to her, aspects of the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina were Bush's fault:

One of the main reasons New Orleans is so vulnerable to hurricanes is the gradual disappearance of the wetlands on the Gulf Coast that once stood as a natural buffer between the city and storms coming in from the water. The disappearance of those wetlands does not have the name of a political party or a particular administration attached to it. No one wants to play, "The Democrats did it," or, "It's all Reagan's fault." Many environmentalists will tell you more than a century's interference with the natural flow of the Mississippi is the root cause of the problem, cutting off the movement of alluvial soil to the river's delta.

But in addition to long-range consequences of long-term policies like letting the Corps of Engineers try to build a better river than God, there are real short-term consequences, as well. It is a fact that the Clinton administration set some tough policies on wetlands, and it is a fact that the Bush administration repealed those policies--ordering federal agencies to stop protecting as many as 20 million acres of wetlands.

Last year, four environmental groups cooperated on a joint report showing the Bush administration's policies had allowed developers to drain thousands of acres of wetlands.

Does this mean we should blame President Bush for the fact that New Orleans is underwater? No, but it means we can blame Bush when a Category 3 or Category 2 hurricane puts New Orleans under. At this point, it is a matter of making a bad situation worse, of failing to observe the First Rule of Holes (when you're in one, stop digging).

Had a storm the size of Katrina just had the grace to hold off for a while, it's quite likely no one would even remember what the Bush administration did two months ago. The national press corps has the attention span of a gnat, and trying to get anyone in Washington to remember longer than a year ago is like asking them what happened in Iznik, Turkey, in A.D. 325.

Just plain political bad luck that, in June, Bush took his little ax and chopped $71.2 million from the budget of the New Orleans Corps of Engineers, a 44 percent reduction. As was reported in New Orleans CityBusiness at the time, that meant "major hurricane and flood projects will not be awarded to local engineering firms. Also, a study to determine ways to protect the region from a Category 5 hurricane has been shelved for now."

Notice all the rhetorical tricks? "Is it right to blame Bush? No, it's not. Now let me point out another of his errors."

You know, I can't stand the guy--I mean, I really, honestly loathe Bush and 98 percent of what he's done as President--but I really don't want to hear a lot of partisan bickering when people are missing, or homeless, or mourning, or dead, or dying.

When the lives that can be saved are saved, there will still be an unimaginable job of cleaning up to do. When the cleaning up is over, it will be time to rebuild these communities and resettle the people whose lives have just been ripped apart.

Maybe when all that is taken care of, it will be time to start blaming people for what went wrong. But now is not the time.

--P.