You, too, can design a men's fragrance!

Guess what I found out the other day. Women don't like men's cologne. We think it smells bad.

I know. "Duh," right?

I don't know where I read this. I'm pretty sure it was in some blog somewhere. But hey, so what if I made it up. Say it loud: Women don't like men's colognes! They reek!

The whole fragrance thing--I don't know. I've tried. But I kind of don't get it. Although you know what's fun? Hitting the Basenotes site and reading people's descriptions of fragrances.

But you know what's even more fun? Reading their descriptions of fragrances they hate. Like, say, men's colognes.

Honestly, I don't think I've ever hated anything straight out of the bottle as much as I hated Bond No. 9's H.O.T. Always, which to me smelled like a mixture of Jolly Ranchers and power brake fluid (a foul, garishly red liquid that looks like cherry soda and which smells like a tomcat peeing on a hot engine).

This is great stuff, right? So I poked around some more. And I noticed that for descriptions of fragrances, whether good or bad, there's a formula, along the lines of the way people write about wine.

It opens with a lively burst of X, but soon the Y kicks in. The drydown features Z.

So then I thought, hey ho, let's have some fun. Take your least-favorite, stomach-churning men's fragrance and write a description of it. Or what the hell--design a new one. How can you go wrong? I mean, apparently, men will douse themselves with anything. And fragrance is big business. There could be real money in this.

What's this? You say you lack the nose and the technical vocabulary? No problem. I've taken care of it for you. Traditional fragrances start with a burst of light fragrance, and as you wear them, reveal increasingly earthy basenotes.

Just select from the following categories, describe them in order, and add a few meaningless qualifiers like "warm," "creamy," and "elegant," and you'll sound like a pro. Soon you'll be dazzling the perfume snobs on Basenotes with descriptions like this:

"It opens with a combination of Windex and crayons, develops elegant heart notes of Purina Cat Chow and coffee breath, and dries down to a warm, comforting, creamy base redolent of tar and dried vomit."

Here are the categories with the kind of fragrance notes that men seem to like:

Topnotes: Vasoline, ChapStick, toner cartridge, antifreeze, bug spray, gasoline, freezer burn, hospital disinfectant, nail polish remover, tongue depressor, rancid oil, urinal cake, my basement

Heartnotes: bilgewater, cat pee, burning rubber, vitamin E capsules, Diaper Genie, armpit, anchovy paste, dirty sneakers, wet woolen overcoat, turpentine, hair dye, flea collar, vomit, that Rubbermade container in the back of my refrigerator

Basenotes: Topsoil, mildew, rotten eggs, compost, burning feathers, nursing home, decomposing flesh, creosote, canned dog food, fart, fertilizer, rotting potatoes, sulphur, bull's testicles, the bottom of my garbage can