Where the hell have I been?

I'm sure you're wondering, I haven't posted here in a week and a half. When it comes to major Blog365 fail, I PWN.

Well, among other things, I've been partying with blackbird, Wendy, Susie Sunshine, Carol in Texas, and Jen Lancaster. People; we celebrated Susie Sunshine's birthday in style.

80's style, that is. And you have not lived until you have seen Susie Sunshine in full-out Madonna.

Also, you have not lived until you've seen a birthday cake in disguise as a pocketbook.
A really, really cute pocketbook. And? It was delicious.

And hey, remember that time Jen took an Ambien and drank a glass of wine and ended up ordering a Barbie head? Well, she does human heads, too. See?

Susie Sunshine, Wendy, and Carol-in-Texas after Jen gave them Barbie-head

I've also been blogging all over the place--just not here.

To see how being a die-hard Buffy fan makes me feel old, click here.

To experience me going all Christian Siriano on Jon Gosselin's ass, click here.

To hear me argue that the secret to style is to stay far away from Madonna's vagina, click here.

An uncannily accurate age-guessing quiz--based on one's gut reaction to Elton John--is available here.

Prince William? Or Heir-in-a-Can?

Winding down with a non-snarky post about Gwen Stefani. As a palate-cleanser.

And! To prove that I really do have every intention of becoming the Beauty Boomer, I also posted a BlogHer BeautyHacks post I call How to Wear Shimmery Makeup When You're Over Forty. Available here.

Speaking of beauty--gotta go. I've got a hair appointment, because right now it looks like Roots: The Miniseries around here.

Count down to BlogHer: the cardiac arrest edition

It's not what you think. I'm not sitting here sweating bullets over what I'm going to wear and how I'm going to look.

Yo, mommybloggers, pick up the clue phone, it's for you: Poppy Buxom is thirty pounds heavier and 20 years older than you expect. Also, she dresses like shit. If our BlogHer fashion sense is being graded, I just bumped you a couple of notches up the bell curve. YOU'RE WELCOME.

So it's not clothes. This is what's getting my granny panties in a wad:

1. I'm getting a new sliding shower door installed in the hall bathroom. When? Tomorrow, first thing in the a.m. Why? Because Mr. Buxom accidentally broke one of the two halves. When? In 2007. So why has it taken me two years to get it fixed, and why is it happening at the ulta-last minute?

Because I'm an asshole, that's why. (What can I say; my kids take baths, not showers.)

2. The bartender for my super-exclusive BlogHer cocktail party (Hey! You're invited!) called me tonight to confirm. For Friday night. But! The party is on Saturday.

3. So far, I've forgotten to order food for the party. Whoops! The good news is I already ordered and paid for the booze. Which is being delivered tomorrow, probably while I'm dealing with the shower door guy.

4. I can't find the key that gets me to and from the basement in my building, which where the laundry room is located. So I'm digging through everything I own looking for the keys so everyone doesn't have to sleep, through lack of clean sheets, in my kids' ancient Buzz Lightyear sleeping bags.

5. Did I mention that I have four guests staying with me? Blackbird, Martha MacGyver, SarahO, and Susie Sunshine will be camping out chez Buxom.

6. Yes, I bought ear plugs.

The good news is we have lots of toilet paper. Also, I managed to post my BeautyHacks post, which means tomorrow, at the BlogHer CE party, I'm going to swan around feeling incredibly fashionable and smug. Even though everyone else will be wearing a darling little cocktail dress, and I'll be wearing a Buzz Lightyear sleeping bag.

One of the advantages of being an old fart

is that stuff you find completely old-hat, cliché, goes-without-saying actually needs to be articulated once in a while.



Which explains why my latest BlogHer Beauty Hacks post is about new-fangled products like lipstick, powder, and cold cream.

Morgan Freeman gives me the creeps, and other stories

• It continues to rain in an Old Testament fashion. Speaking of that, have you ever noticed that the ceiling of a Gothic church looks like the hull of a frigate? I noticed this again last Sunday. A few more days of rain, and I'm heading to church, where I'll barricade myself and wait for a tidal wave to flip the church over, a la The Poseidon Adventure.

(In this remake, the Shelley Winters part will be played by Poppy Buxom.)


Then I'll sail that mother to Boston in time for the Tall Ships parade. You read it here first.

In the meantime, river, stay away from my new deck cushions.

• Speaking of new deck cushions, I've become obsessed with interior decoration. Obsessed. I think it's because I've finally finished my yard, and there's not a whole lot I can do with my children during summer vacation. Right now they're both lying around being fallow. Which means it's time to think about ... drumroll ... window treatments! Because not even Scarlet's best frenemy Melanie would consent to wear a dress made out of this fabric:


Yes, my living room walls are pink.

• I claim to be obsessed with interior decorating. But who knows whether I'm telling the truth? You will if you're coming to BlogHer. Because if you're reading this, and you're going to BlogHer 2009, you might be interested in coming to my cocktail party on Saturday, July 25.

Now, I don't want to start any Mommyblogging wars, but this party is not corporate sponsored, it's Poppy Buxom sponsored. It also takes place not in a hotel ballroom, but at my apartment, which is conveniently located four blocks from the Sheraton. And I don't let just anyone put out cigarettes on my floor, so I'm not inviting everyone. Just everyone who ever left a comment or went to BlissDom09 or reads Mamarazzi or is a fellow BlogHer Beauty Hacker or follows me on Twitter. I'll be sending out e-vites, so if you're interested, leave me a comment or shoot me an email.

Party! Yay!

• And speaking of Mamarazzi, which I kind of was up there, if you haven't heard about Morgan Freeman and his step-granddaughter, waste no time and check out my latest Mamarazzi entry. In a word: ew.

I have answered all your beauty questions

Well, ladies, you overwhelmed me with the generosity of your response to my last post. I'm more grateful than I can say. With the incredible spirit of women bloggers reaching out to other women bloggers in need, you brought me your age spots, sagging skin, wrinkles, flabby bits, and porn star eyebrows.

There are no words. You made my day. Week, even.

Of course, I didn't feel qualified to fix problems of that level of severity--after all, I'm not a plastic surgeon. The tasks you set for me were not what I could accomplish in the time I allotted (30 minutes to research, 45 minutes to write, 120 minutes to upload the frakking images, correct the links, and fix the inevitable formatting mistakes.)

(Also, I'd like to take this opportunity to wonder why the hell BlogHer's software doesn't include a spell-checker, for frak's sake.)

But this is what I managed to accomplish. I answered blackbird's question about tinted moisturizers.

Yes, it was the easiest question to tackle. But now I have a backlog of great ideas for next time! And at my publishing rate, I'll have time to finish medical school and a residency in cosmetic surgery before I have to write another BeautyHacks post. So there's that.

P. S. In other news, Badger has started posting to Lipstick is My Crack again. Check it out!

Questions, I need questions

OK, first of all, here's a news update, since it's been so long since I actually sat and typed an actual blog post: I'm in New Hampshire for spring break. And before I left Chicago I was up to my earlobes in volunteer work--attending bored meetings, making phone calls, trying to find a sucker to be next year's hospitality chair--the usual crap.

Although I have to admit that my overseeing of eighth grade musical rehearsals has been substantially cut back, possibly as a result of my calling one of the kids a douche bag.

Which leaves me wondering whether that's a one-size-fits-all solution to MY ENTIRE LIFE. I mean, I'm sure the possibility that I might call their white-haired old ladies "douche bags" would sharply decrease the number of jobs The National Society of the Colonial Dames in the State of Illinois might ask me to do.

It's a thought.

Anyway, on Tuesday I've got to put up a BlogHer Beauty Hacks post, and so far, the only idea I've had is that of visiting the Cosmetic Center store in the outlets in Kittery, Maine, and checking out what's available. But the store might have closed, or they might not have anything except a bunch of those sparkly little compacts Estee Lauder produces every year at Christmas time. Full of solid perfume in signature Estee Lauder scents. You know, Youth-Dew, or Beautiful. And reminding me of a cross between a Jay Strongwater bibelot and a Walgreen's perfume counter. Which would only be of interest to crazed collectors.

Not what I want to write about.

So I would be really thrilled if you'd ask me a few questions, particularly about makeup and skin care. It would help prime the pump. I am not nearly as sure-handed with fashion questions--take those to blackbird--but I know my way around a makeup counter like you wouldn't believe.

N. B. I did fulfill my contractual obligation to put up my usual Friday Mamarazzi post, and I would be so grateful if you'd check it out and let me know whether I'm off-base in claiming that Kelly Osbourne is deserving of our heart-felt devotion. I mean, is she really awesome, or is she mostly notable for having survived thus far, given her parentage?