All Things Must Passat

Look who's back.

Doesn't it look great? It even smells great. I guess when you pay $13,000 for all that body work and a new engine and everything, they throw in a free detail job. Also--I feel that I need to mention this, so as to be completely fair--a free pen.

I think the pen was to make sure I had something to use to sign the check.

But just think. I got my car back on Ash Wednesday. Just in time for me to give up driving my minivan for Lent. OK, all kidding aside, driving my minivan isn't actually on my list of Lenten Give Ups. That's just a little Penitential Season humor. Which I don't expect you pagans or Wiccans or Unitarians to understand.

So I'll explain Lent. It's the season in the church year where we commemorate the 40 days Jesus spent fasting in the wilderness. Because I am prone to nearly delirious levels of whimsy, it occurred to me that like Jesus, my Passat just spent 90 days in the wilderness (OK, body shop) and ... well, you see where that led me.

But just so you know, I don't actually think there is a connection between my car and Jesus. (Although come to think of it, my car does look kind of like an Easter egg.)

OK, back to Lent. I'm planning on some major cutting back. So far the Give Up list includes booze, sweets, and possibly pork products; I haven't made up my mind about that last one. Will it make me seem too Muslim?

I'm never exactly sure what to give up, so I usually make it up as I go along, starting at breakfast time on Ash Wednesday. Which is why I always seem to give up booze. Because by the time it's late enough in the day to have a drink, I've decided that I'm a no-good, sleazy, backsliding piece of shit. So I think "I know! I'll quit drinking for Lent!" And that makes me feel almost as virtuous as my Catholic pal. (Maybe even more virtuous. Because now that I've gotten my car back, I'm no longer obsessed with worldly goods. Unlike some people with their new bathrooms and kitchens and requests for information about stainless steel appliances, high-end hand-made tiles, and other vanities.*)

* Get it? Bathrooms? Vanities? Yes! More Penitential Season humor! So stick around. Later on, I might start handing out free pens.