In cast you were wondering, I'm ... mediocre. But not a total failure.

If I were a Baldwin Brother, I'd be William.
If I were a celebrity chef, I'd be Peg Bracken.
If I were a magazine, I'd be Reader's Digest.
If I were a running shoe, I'd be New Balance.
If I were a politician, I'd be Gary Hart. Or Dan Quayle.
If I were a food, I'd be quiche.
If I were a soft drink, I'd be Diet Pepsi.
If I were a car, I'd be a Ford.

Why do I think this? Because of this: