A data dump, because otherwise I'll never manage to post again.

OMG, people. I'd tell you that real life has me by the balls, except I don't have any. And I have so much to do today, I can't stand it. So I'm going to do the blogging equivalent of what I do when I haven't written my mother a letter in a really long time and the stuff I need to tell her keeps mounting higher and higher and I get carpal tunnel syndrome just thinking of how many pages I'll have to write to get her up to speed.

(My mother is old skool and expects written letters.) But sometimes the idea of writing everything down is overwhelming, and I have to just dump the data. So I call her up and babble at her for an hour.

So let's pretend that I called you up, and you asked me how I was.

1. As soon as Christmas was over, I got going on Operation Get The Girl Child Into a Private School, because honestly? I really don't see her doing all that well at the huge John Hughes-ish high school in our district.

So there were campus visits and shadow days and SSATs and application-writing. The good news is the more we found out about the local private schools, the more we realized that only one would really work for her, so that's the only school she had to apply to. But then? She didn't get in. So that accounts for about six weeks of being crazily busy, culminating with much time spent comforting the girl child.

2. The many Clean House mini-marathons I've watched since discovering this amazing show have inspired me to really take charge of my house, but the cleaning alone is overwhelming--and that's not even dealing with the clutter. And I think I'm getting a little compulsive. I mean, I'm sitting here thinking about how I really need to mop the kitchen floor.

3. I haven't been talking about style because my shopping has been confined to Christmas presents and the cleaning product aisle of the supermarket--with occasional trips to Bed Bath and Beyond for closet stuff.

4. In related news, how did I not know about the wonders of the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser before now? I bought one a long time ago and discovered it sitting in my broom closet, still in the package. But when I opened it up and tried it on a stubborn scuff mark on a baseboard, the clouds parted and a chorus of angels began to sing. And then I ran around looking for stubborn scuff marks to clean. I also did an entire bathroom floor, at which point, the plump, exuberant, snow white Mr. Clean Magic Eraser was reduced to a sad, skimpy festered lily--that's how much fun I was having.

5. You should see what a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser does for a stainless steel kitchen sink that has been sullied with tea and coffee stains. Shines it right up.

6. I'm thinking of using a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser on my teeth.

7. Just kidding.

8. Blackbird tells me she approves of the rebooted Talbots. Have you checked it out? Everyone talked about the new Burberry and the new Brooks Brothers and the new this and the new that, but where's the love for the new Talbots? I tell you what: I've picked up a few things there and have been deliriously happy. The latest is these gold hidden platform sandals

which are lovely and retro and astonishingly comfortable.

9. Recently, Jen and Wendy and Susie Sunshine and Blackbird and I had a combination girls' weekend/Tour of Homes, where we checked out Wendy's addition and Casa Fletchcaster and my place too, although with all the Mr. Clean Magic Erasing, I'm surprised there was anything left to see.

Interested parties were also treated to Jen and Poppy's John Hughes movie location tour. We visited Kevin's house from Home Alone, the park where Kevin visits Santa, Cameron's House from Ferris Bueller's Day Off, and Jake Ryan's house from 16 Candles.

When I admitted to never having seen 16 Candles, we had a movie night and watched it. And I'm so glad I did, for several reasons. First of all, Anthony Michael Hall is completely adorable in 16 Candles, which is great because he makes me a little crazy in The Breakfast Club. Also, Jen wasn't giving us any of her home-made lasagna until we'd watched the movie, and the lasagna was incredible.

10. Jen gave us all pre-publication copies of her latest book and first novel, If You Were Here. John Hughes cognoscenti will understand the title, which I understand now too, courtesy of our movie night. Anyway, I read it and it's great. Two very enthusiastic thumbs up. If you like Jen's books and/or John Hughes movies, you'll love it.

11. And here's an extra bit of data as a GWP: I recently made a complete fool out of myself by calling on my twitter army to shame Crate and Barrel into delivering the sectional I ordered from them in October. This was pretty much of a total failure, since I have no twitter minions to speak of. Still, if you'd like to see how a baby boomer who grew up watching syndicated episodes of Gilligan's Island uses social media to bend a major corporation to her will, check out my twitter stream.

In Nashville, no one can hear you scream

OMG you guys, I totally deserve to drink an entire bottle of wine all by myself because seriously, if I had to answer one more phone call about today's election I was going to have to kill myself, not to mention that I really wanted to vote a straight Green Party ticket because the number of flyers and cards left on my front steps made the local pizza places seem understated and tasteful--and yet I AM NOT DOING SO because I'm desperately trying to get ready to fly to Nashville to attend BlissDom, the funnest friendliest blogging conference in the history of EVER.

But I can't find my hotel reservation information for the Opryland hotel.

So it's lucky that I forget to cancel the back-up reservation I made at a nearby Radisson when I couldn't get into the Opryland Hotel because it was sold out for the first night. Which is tomorrow.

Can you tell I'm panicking? Because I am.

What I really need is Jen Lancaster, blackbird, Susie Sunshine, and Wendy to tell me what to do and where to go. But they won't be there.

So if you see me (large, loud, bespectacled, older than I write) and I'm looking frantic because I can't find my phone and I left my laptop charger in the room and I don't know anyone, please come up and say hi.

I promise I won't cling to your neck and weep.

If you're feeling like shit / And you need a quick lift / Caffeine

I'm completely freaking out over EVERYTHING, but especially over other people's caffeine levels. Or the lack thereof.

Blackbird says she hasn't had caffeine in 22 years. That's a long time. I haven't known how to drive a car that long, but I've been driving around like the bat in the adage for a fairly long stretch, and always in a highly caffeinated state, or at the very least, wishing I were. I cannot imagine doing without for 22 years.

Then there's Joke, who claims to always drink espresso. With which, frankly, I can't be bothered. The cups are so small. The coffee, while robust in aroma, is frankly, pallid as to caffeine level. And the whole experience is over so soon. You might as well try to stay awake by sniffing the aroma from someone else's cup.

How on earth do they get anything done?

Me, I've got fifty-million things to do, and I'm pumping seriously heavy mugs of coffee to try to keep up with at least some portion of my to-do list. Which at the moment, includes the following:

1. Do laundry, empty refrigerator, tidy house, pack for Spring break.
2. Don't forget the sunscreen.
3. Do any of my spring clothes fit?
4. Crash diet time.
5. Where are our bathing suits?
6. Passports!!!!!!
7. Oh my GOD is it too late to call Disney and book shore leave or whatever they call it?
8. The Jokes are going to join us in Disney World. But are we going to eat any meals together? Probably not, since no one has called Disney Dining to book tables for eight incredibly noisy people--HEY--at least seven of which are not I, so don't look at me, OK?
9. Fundraiser 1: review invitation copy; deal with invitation list; deal with caterer.
10. Fundraiser 2: compose invitation copy, find sample invitation that has been lost for weeks, find similarly lost check from corporate donor, freak out, nag committee members to do their jobs.
11. Inform all teachers who scheduled tests for Friday that (neener neener!) my son and daughter won't be here to take them.
12. Tidy house again so the turtle sitter won't think I'm a slob.
13. Book eyebrow and leg wax, manicure, pedicure, shampoo and blow out for Wednesday morning.
14. Freak out some more.
15. And then some more, for good measure.

You can see why I marvel over other people's lack of caffeine consumption. And that's exactly what I'm doing right now, while drinking yet another mug of coffee, and blogging like a squirrel on crack.