How to go to a blogging conference, Part 1: Don't bring your Hitachi Magic Wand

Confession time: I was totally in love with my last post. I was so in love with it that we got married. And no matter how old and shop-worn my last post got, I couldn't bear to dump it in favor of a younger, thinner trophy post.

What was so special about it?

I lost my blogging Hitachi Magic Wand virginity in that post. You see, I'd been blogging for almost five years, and yet somehow, I'd never mentioned the Hitachi Magic Wand before. But then I did. And the earth moved.

But now it's time to move on. Because sex isn't everything. And neither are Hitachi Magic Wands.

Now, a while ago, when Blissdom09 was winding down, I told the internet I was going to write a post about how to go to a blogging conference. With BlogHer looming on the horizon, I figured that now was as good a time as any to make good on this threat.

I could get all demure here and say that having attended precisely two blogging conferences, I'm not exactly an expert. But the way I see it, blogging is like a virtual literary pyramid scheme where everyone who starts blogging inspires 1,000 other people to start blogging, too. That means you're a newbie for maybe a month. There will always be lots more people who know even less than you do. So you might as well go ahead and call yourself an expert. Since I've been blogging for almost five years, I'm probably your blogging great-great-grandmother. So pipe down, you whippersnappers, and listen up.

If you go to a blogging conference, you'll hear all about Search Engine Optimization, or SEO. And if you're like me, you'll pretty much zone out, because who cares, right?

And yet, like me, you'll eventually realize that you might pick up a few extra hits by mentioning the Hitachi Magic Wand every other sentence. And you'll probably pick up a few more hits by using pictures that you stole from a sex toy website and then renamed

PoppyBuxom_says_thats_not_where_you_use_a_HitachiMagic
Wand.jpg.


Or


PoppyBuxom_doesnt_actually_own_a_HitachiMagicWand.jpg.

And I don't. But if you do, don't bring it to a blogging conference. First of all, you're going to have to go through airport security, and it could be embarrassing. I mean, look at that thing. It's as long as my arm.

And anyway, what you really need to bring is business cards. At least 200 of them. There are lots of places that can make them for you. And keep them handy--stash a few in your pockets, in your laptop case, in your purse. Get so you can hand over a business card within seconds of meeting someone. Keep a pen handy for notes.


You'll notice I use my avatar on mine. I do this to cushion the blow people feel when they discover that I'm not a semi-nude 23-year old Parisian with poppies in my hair. Now that I've clued you in, when I hand you my card you'll have your pen ready, and you'll be able to write THE MIDDLE-AGED BLABBERMOUTH WHO DOES NOT RESEMBLE HER AVATAR AT ALL on the back before you throw it away.

Next up: How to go to a blogging conference, Part 2: What to bring home. Stick around. This post will probably be my dirty mistress for a while, but Part 2 will show up eventually.