What's in a name? Or, the Pottery Barn catalog cracks me up.

OK, just so you know, I was named after my great-great-great-great-great maternal grandmother.

My husband, who is half Jewish/half WASP, was named after an ancestor with an Old Testament name in a failed attempt to please both sides of his family.

Our son is named after both of his grandfathers.

Our daughter is named after my husband's grandmother, her mother, her mother, and her mother.

As you can see, in this household, we don't get creative when picking out names for their offspring. This is because our family names provide us with a rich enough supply of compost for recycling.

Because of this, we don't need to pick names from Jane Austen adaptations,* soap operas** or street signs.*** We don't decide, "oh, 'John' is so boring--let's name him Hans/Ian/Ivan/Jean/Juan/Sean instead."

We also agree that your name is supposed to reflect your ethnic group. Otherwise, you can easily fall victim to what I call "Lender's Frozen Pizza Bagel" syndrome. Yes, America is a big melting pot, but do you really think an innocent child should have to walk around being called Midori Himmelfarb or Mary-Bridget Lombardo? I mean, come on. Juan Epstein on Welcome Back Kotter was a joke.

Please. I'm begging you. Do not turn your child into a pizza bagel. Simple rule of thumb: if you don't drink Irish beer while eating crepes stuffed with edamame and seaweed salad, then don't name your child Yvette Kazuko O'Malley.

Anyway, in an attempt to make canvas chairs and beach towels look desirably upscale, the following names are currently appearing in the Pottery Barn Kids catalog. These names have now received the Poppy Buxom Trendy Name Kiss Of Death Award. Choose these names for your children at your own risk:

Abby Aiden Alexis Andrew Anna Brandon Brian Caitlin Cameron Chris Chloe Conor Cooper Ethan (my nephew) Evan Henry (my brother, and I don't know how happy he'll be when everyone assumes he's a nine-year-old) Hope Kate Jack Jason Justin Katie Lacey (Underalls) Lindsay (Lohan will drive this one's stock down) Max Meghan Molly Nate Oscar (fine if you want your son to grow up to become a gay playwright or a Muppet) Owen Rachel Sam Sophie Stuart Zoe

* Lydia, Emma, Charlotte, Mr. Darcy
** Adam, Alexis, Colby, Blake, Paige, Jason, Logan, Luke, Samantha
*** Darryl Hannah in Splash spawned a million Madisons.