The Christmas Bell Curve

If being the Almighty Perfect Christmas-Celebrating Housewife were a race, my car would be a non-starter.

No matter how unorganized and frantic you feel, Internet, without even trying to, I am making you look really good.

Let's break it down into its constituent parts, shall we?

1. Cookies. You all already know how I feel about them. Not going to happen.

2. Cards. Um. Well, I just got a whole shitload of them from Snapfish or DiginternetCards or some such site. So there is a slight chance that some of my friends will get one. Which is good, because in an insane excess of wishful thinking, I ordered 100 of the fucking things.

Of course, the whole thing will depend on whether I manage to get my ass to the post office for Christmas stamps. Which seems questionable at this point.

3. Christmas shopping. I have done zero. Zilch. Nada. If it weren't for my husband, my children would think Santa hates them.

4. Christmas tree. OK, it's up, and since the lights are built in, it's lit. However, there are only three ornaments on it.

5. Outdoor lights. Nope.

6. Wreaths. I have three. I've had them for a couple of weeks. One is up and has the bow attached. One is up and doesn't have a bow yet. One is sitting on the back porch next to the back door, because there isn't a nail to hang it from. Yes, I actually am that lame.

7. Creche. Won't go up this year. I've been moving furniture around and I can't figure out where to put it.

8. Disney houses. Yes, I feel into the cute little Christmas house collectible trap. About half of the houses are up. And let me tell you, I'm feeling very proud of myself.

9. Special Christmas musical performances. As of tonight, the kids are done--they did great, thanks for asking. I'm about two-thirds done. I'm singing tomorrow (easy pop stuff) and Saturday (Bach's Magnificat) and heilige Schweitz. I don't know the Bach at all. I'd totally panic about that, but I don't have time.

10. Good will to men. We're sorry, but that item is on backorder.