In which I defy the space/time continuum

I was plagued by a series of physical ailments today.

Between my sore knee and hip socket (from Thursday's fall,) a sore eye (from wearing crazy glittery eye shadow to a cocktail party on Friday night and stupidly falling into bed in a drunken stupor falling asleep without taking off my eye makeup,) and a sore back (from standing around my fire-damaged condo discussing renovation plans and then pushing around an overloaded grocery cart,) I was feeling the weight of my years.

In fact, I was feeling the weight of more years than I've actually lived. By a few decades.

My lower back hurt, my hip hurt, my knee hurt, and my right eye hurt. "This is what it's like to be 83," I said to myself. And then I went out and told those pesky kids to get off my lawn.

And then tonight, at a dinner party, I was told I look 32.

So basically, in one day, I managed to add and then subtract several decades. With almost no effort on my part.

If Alfred Einstein could come back from the dead, I could win him another Nobel prize.

I'll let you know how young I am tomorrow morning. When I've sobered up.

Well-rested and ready to rumble

Last night, my husband and I went out to dinner, where we ate and drank delicious food (seared scallops and shrimp risotto) and then went to the ballet where we watched extraordinary fit young people dance around wearing very little clothing--and found ourselves regretting the risotto, not to mention the roll before dinner and the three glasses of wine.

Sobbing with remorse over our carb-ridden, exercise-free bodies, we drove off in a cab to our friends' condo, where we drowned our sorrows in another glass of wine.

Shortly afterwards I went to bed, to sleep the sleep of the unjust. And woke up this morning--I don't know the time--with one thought on my mind: I DON'T HAVE TO GET UP. So I went back to sleep.

And didn't wake up until 10:30. Whereupon I woke up and starting clicking around my laptop. Only to see something both weird and funny. I'm drafting a response.

Tune in tomorrow when I kick big porn star butt.