What I bought--and what I returned

Banana Republic's tailored non-iron sateen shirt 

I know I sound like a shopaholic these days, but there's a good reason for it. I really need new clothes.

Since June, I've been working out with a trainer at least twice a week. The rest of the time, I've been on the elliptical. Or doing Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred. Or running. (OK, that last? Twice. But it counts.)

I've also been tracking my food. (More or less-ish. I've been tracking the same foods for so long, I kind of have a good idea of how much I'm eating.) And I'm weighing myself at least once a week, so I'll know if the weight loss stops or reverses itself.

I'm now at 172 pounds, which is less than I weighed the last time I wasted the internet's time by blogging about weight loss. And my clothes have gotten too big. So I've really needed to buy new stuff.

The thing is, I'm nine years older than I was the last time I weighed this much, and I've ... how should I put this delicately, in case my daughter's classmates are still reading my blog ... forded the Red Sea.

Oh, yeah. THAT was subtle.

Anyway, what with my plunging levels of female hormones, I'm afraid I've developed something of a menopot.

Actually, my problem is more midriff bulge. Which is not something I had bothered my pretty little head about much, until I tried to button the new shirts I ordered from Banana Republic and discovered that while they fit well over the balcony, below that, I was asking an awful lot out of the Spandex.

Nobody talks about midriff bulge any more, but when you're as old as I am, you know that muffin top is nothing new. I remember seeing ads for Playtex Long Line 18 hour bras when I was a kid.



Not to disrespect Jane, because heaven knows, she rocked in Gentleman Prefer Blondes,  but I don't want to wear a longline bra.

But I'll need to wear one if I'm going to be able to button Banana Republic's Stretch Shirt of Evil.

I might even need to wear two.

It's just as evil in navy blue.

P.S. I've decided it's time to bore the internet again with my thoughts on fitness, diet, and My Waistline: Gone, Or Just Forgotten?

So I've agreed to blog about it every day for the month of November, for a second crack at NaBloPoMo.

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Elsewhere:

See Pamela Peeke, M.D.'s article here if you want a quick guide to menopots, how we get them and how to get rid of them.

On LiveStrong: How do I lose midriff weight?

On Women's Health: The Five Rules of Flat Abs (an annoying slide show, but with good info.)

from the archives ... A Quiz: Are You Fat?

I haven't been talking about it, but I've been hanging out at the gym a lot lately. Something like five or six days a week. I've also been watching what I eat. And to get a sense of where I'm coming from, I've been re-reading my own old blog posts about dieting and working out. I thought this one was pretty good, so in celebration of my 8th blogaversary, and because I've picked up a few readers since I first published this in 2007, I'm reposting it.

The weird thing about getting fat is that it seems to happen overnight. You're going along in your usual not very exciting, certainly not very dramatic way, and someone takes a picture of you at BlogHer, and boom! You're fat.

And you think, "What the hell happened?"

Trust me. You didn't get fat overnight. No really, you didn't. You know how long it takes to lose weight? Well, it takes just as long to gain it. You have to have been doing a lot of wrong stuff for a long time before you get to be 40 or 50 pounds overweight. Ask me how I know.

So how does this happen? ("Sleep-eating?" she asked herself hopefully.)

No, not sleep eating.

So here's today's insight: just as alcoholism is a disease of denial, so is fatism. Fat people have all the body dysmorphic problems that teeny tiny little anorexic people have. You know how Mary Kate Olson looks at herself in the mirror and thinks she looks hot? Well, fat people do the same thing.

We think we look fine, even cute, when hello? We're fat. We think we don't really eat that much, when hello? We do.

Yes, we really do eat that much. Trust me on this. Spend a single day on Weight Watchers measuring every bite of food that goes into your mouth, and you will discover two things: the first is what being hungry feels like. The second is that you have been eating massive amounts of food.

To help you escape the cloud of unknowing that you may have wrapped around yourself like a puffy down comforter made of blubber,* here is a quiz! It's extremely scientific, having been tested on a well-known blogger whom I shan't name, because I've done myself enough damage, OK?

1. When someone starts to take your picture, do you flip them the bird, even if your hair looks great?
2. Do you have to lie down on the bed--and possibly use various non-clothing-related household implements--in order to zip your jeans?
3. Have you accused your dry cleaner of shrinking your clothes?
4. Are you convinced that your clothes dryer is running too hot?
5. Do you remain faithful to your spouse in part because it's impossible to remove your wedding ring?
6. Would you describe yourself as big boned, voluptuous, or buxom?
7. Do you have no idea how much you actually weigh?
8. Do you suspect that your actual weight is completely unrelated to your driver's license weight?
9. Are you considering a new career as a department store Santa?
10. Do you want fries with that?

If you answered "yes" to any of the questions, you are my new best friend and are now a dues-paying member of the Poppy Buxom diet support group.

* What a metaphor! That, my friends, is two degrees in English literature talking.

Clean sweep

Hey internet! I'm back!

Sorry, that whole getting-the-kids-back-to-school completely kicked my ass. But now that the dust has settled somewhat, I'm incredibly excited and energetic--the way I am every fall.

I love summer, but fall--when the heat's not on yet, but the air conditioner is off? Is the best time of the year. And it doesn't hurt that my kids are in school and I can actually get things done.

So here are three ways I'm welcoming fall.


My Diet

I signed up for a free LiveStrong MyPlate account. This is a great site with fabulous free diet tools. As far as I'm concerned, this site leaves Weight Watchers's online tools (which ran really slowly and frequently crashed my laptop) sitting in the road.

LiveStrong offers a lot of important health information--so much that I feel sort of petty bothering them with being pudgy. I mean, hello, the first thing you see when you head to the site is a huge photograph of Lance Armstrong. Way to make me feel shallow, Lance.

But MyPlate has so many useful tools. It helped me figure out how many calories to eat every day in order to lose 1.5 pounds a week. (And mid-life ladies? Do we agree that a measly 1,375 calories a day is not very much food? I thought so.)

I track what I eat every day. I track my so-called workouts. And once or twice a week, I weigh myself and add that information, too.

I'm just geeky enough to sort of enjoy this kind of thing. This helps me tolerate a life of 1,375 calories a day. Which is good, because 1,375 calories = Not Enough Wine.

Also, I've lost six pounds. That helps, too.

My Complexion

Have any of you bought a Clarisonic? I've heard great things from a couple of friends, but I balk at spending $250 for a face scrubbing doo-hickey.

That's why I'm so delighted with the Sephora complexion brush I got in a party goodie bag.

A couple of my friends have popped for the Clarisonic, but I'm analog to their digital. I use a Sonicare on my teeth two or three times a day. At this point, I'm excited about using a tool that doesn't make an annoying high-pitched whining noise.

Believe it or not, this little $5 face brush does the job. I use it morning and night, and it helps bump up the cleansing power of my Murad cleanser. The cleanser rinses off better, too, probably because the brush distributes it more evenly.

I swear, I have a real glow, and my pores look smaller. Not bad for five dollars!

My Closet

I'm either bored with or sick of everything in my closet. On top of that, I have clothes that are size 10, 12, 14, and 16. It's time they went. I deserve to have a closet full of clothes that I like and that fit.

I am in serious purge mode.

This is way more than a change of seasons switch-up. It's like I walked into my bedroom and went all drill sergeant: Listen up, good-enough clothes. You're not. You're The Clothes Formerly Known as Good Enough. And your mama isn't here to help you out. It's time to shape up or ship out. Now drop and give me fifty!

I'm getting rid of an amazing amount of stuff.

I'm starting with the size 16 summer stuff. When I do laundry, I'm folding my summer clothes and putting them in donation bags.

By next summer, I'll be wearing significantly smaller clothes! Either that or I'll be wearing a barrel.