My fitness progress this month

1. First, here's a recent picture of me, in which I'm apparently impersonating an ice cream cone. That, people, is what ignoring the rules of figure flattery will do to you. The crew-necked white t-shirt makes me look All Balcony, All The Time. The black capris make my legs look tiny.

If I had any sense, I'd wear the exact opposite color scheme: only dark t-shirts, and only light leggings.

Even if I have to raid a matador's closet to find the latter.

2. I find it astonishing that it feels perfectly normal to work out for an hour with a trainer, then spend 60 minutes on the elliptical.

3. Have you ever flipped through a woman's magazine and cringed at how stupid it made women look? I'm not talking Vogue or Harper's Bazaar with their fashion jargon that only Anna Wintour and Andre Leon Talley truly understand; I mean the deeply embarrassing stuff you find in Glamour and Redbook and Self. The relationship advice and 50 Sexiest Tricks to Try On Your Man. Or the articles that promise to tell you about great fashion finds for under $100, and you pop for the magazine and guess what? The great cheap clothes are shorts and t-shirts.

Well, from time to time I pick up a men's magazine because it renews my faith in humanity to discover that men's magazines are equally stupid.

My latest purchase is this

and I expect it to provide a lot of laughs. How's this for a sample: Food is power. The power to lose weight. The power to build muscle. The power to feel energized.

The power, apparently, to write Dick and Jane sentences. I am man! I want power! Grr!

I plan to read it cover to cover, and about every five pages, I plan to burst into girlish giggles, sounding, if possible, like Wilma Flintstone and Betty Rubble. But I'll let you know if I find out anything useful.

4. OK, I'll admit it. These Tory Burch pants looked a little stupid when I bought them. They don't look like this at all. Maybe they're straight legged in a small size, but in a large size, they keep the nine-inch leg opening at the ankle, but add all kinds of extra material in the upper thigh. They taper so much, they're vaguely reminiscent of stirrup pants. And that's when I first bought them. Now, they sag and bag so much in the derriere, they look like a before picture in a Depends ad. Kim Kardashian and J. Lo are weeping at the sight of my ass in these pants, but their tears are of laughter.

Still, having my new, relatively spendy pants falling off my ass is progress.

5. I decided that for a change of pace, I really wanted to get below 170 by Thanksgiving, but I keep falling victim to the Domino's iPhone app. True story.

Hedging my edge, or, What I Wore Today

Sometimes I feel like a fashion blogger. Well, except for my inability to take a decent picture of myself, and the fact that I don't have six closets bulging with size 00 crappe from Forever XXI and J. Crew. But bear with me, for I feel all fashionbloggertastic today.

For church, and coffee afterwards with friends.

I'm wearing a two-year-old white cotton Lafayette 148 shirt (similar); a Tory Burch Simone merino cardigan; a new leather and ponte patchwork skirt by Worth; Donna Karan tights; so-ancient-they're-vintage Ferragamo black suede Mary Janes.

Here's another shot of the skirt from the Worth website:

Their copy says the addition of fabric to the leather softens the skirts and stops it from being to edgy and confrontational. I agree with the sentiment, because patchwork is so very preppy, whereas black leather is not. (It's not, right? Please don't tell me it is, because here I am thinking I'm being so cool.) However, at those prices, you'd think they could hire better copywriters.

You see, I mock, but I don't disagree. I do like to think that the patchwork hedges my edginess.

Here's a close-up of the shoes:

These are probably 20 years old. They're black suede with thin strips of patent trim. The heel is suede, too, and is chunky without being overly clunky. They're Ferragamo, and prove that there's more to the brand than low-heeled tuxedo pumps (not that there's anything wrong with low-heeled tuxedo pumps, she added hastily.) But these are the Ferragamo that occasionally does something interesting. Not regurgitating endless renditions of the same style, but not being in the fashion vanguard, either. These shoes weren't in style when they came out, and 20 years later, they still haven't been. I just like their semi-retro vibe. they're got kind of a 1920s look, but the heel is too high. Anyway, I've always liked them, and I enjoy taking them out of their box every now and then. And let's face it; even if I only wear them twice a year, they've got to be fantastic quality to have held up so well for all these years.

To go out, I added my short black leather Brooks Brothers trench and the inevitable Pop of Color.

I've explained how ill-at-ease I am with a single Pop of Color. Today I added an Hermes bangle (eBay) with a touch of purple in it. And heaved a sigh of relief that my Dior nail polish (Poison) is a very deep purple, thus achieving my all-important Rule of Three.

In the afternoon I changed out of the skirt and heels because I was going to be touring the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee with my son. We also toured the city, and posed for pictures with Pounce, the UWM mascot.

Tory Burch Rosemary black knit pants over Jimmy Choo Youth motorcycle boots.

When I got home from Milwaukee, I realized that I'd been so busy, all I had eaten was two lattes and a pear!

Needless to say, I rectified that situation immediately with some chicken cacciatore, crusty bread, and red wine.

What I Wore Today

I had an appointment at my hair salon first thing this morning, and 10 minutes before I was due to leave, I was running around like a chicken with her head cut off. I couldn't find any jeans, so I grabbed a pair of black knit Tory Burch pants that I bought recently.

I wanted to wear a black t-shirt because Lord knows I don't want to anyone to get hair dye on a white shirt.

Then I realized that I was wearing all black, right down to the motorcycle boots and black jacket.

To avoid looking like Brando in The Wild One, I wanted to add something colorful like, say, my violet colored Tory Burch Simone cardigan.

But then I thought it would look stupid because everything else I was wearing was black.  So I added my trusty J. Crew statement necklace, to bring in some plummy tones.

Usually, when I add a color to an outfit, I use the rule of three. One item in a color looks random (on me; it looks great on you! I swear!) Two looks contrived. Odd numbers are better. Three is best.

But then, as I got ready to go outside, topping everything with my black leather jacket but adding mulberry colored wrist worms and my purple Prada purse, I realized I had gone beyond the Rule of Three to full-on Moby Grape.

Once I got outside, though, I realized that it wasn't my fault. It was nature.

 We just happened to share a color scheme today.

Review of the new goods

OK, I'm back. Again.

(I should probably rename my blog. What do you think of The Prodigal Blogger?)

Anyway, I thought I'd update with my reaction to the stuff in my last post.

Since my daily uniform runs to jeans/tees or jeans/sweaters, worn with flat shoes of some type, I've mostly worn the casual stuff.

Jimmy Choo "Youth" motorcycle boots *****

I love these!

If you follow me on Pinterest, you might have noticed that I pinned these a couple of months ago. And kept thinking about them. Neiman Marcus tipped the scales by offering a gift card if I bought two full-priced items. (Intelligent shoppers don't fall for that sort of nonsense, but I am what I am.)

I ordered them in a 39, my usual size, but they were a little tight across the ball of the foot, so I sent them back and got the 39.5. Now they're perfectly comfortable and I can wear them with thick socks when it's cold. The leather is gorgeous and buttery. The lining is deliciously smooth, and the round toes look authentic and give extra toe room. They're both tough and ladylike. "Elegant motorcycle boots" might sound like an oxymoron, but I swear it's not. When I'm not wearing them I leave them out on the rug and just admire them. True story.

Lafayette 148 Markel white sleeveless ruffled blouse ****

This was the other full-priced item from Neiman Marcus. I felt justified paying full price because for whatever reason, Lafayette 148 tops fit and flatter me better than anything else in the world. They fit over my balcony, but nip in at the waist just the right amount to keep me looking as large and rectangular as the box your refrigerator came in.

Ordinarily I try to stay away from ruffles, but these are fairly crisp and small. They extend down the front of the blouse a little too far to fit perfectly under my cardigans. Also, the arm holes are a little big on me--but I'm not planning on wearing this blouse on its own, anyway.

BTW, this blouse is currently 30 percent off!

Tory Burch tumbled leather Reva flats ***--

I got these to wear with khaki pants and jeans to dress them up a bit. I love the texture and the color and the fact that the logo is done in a matte leather instead of shiny gold or silver. But I've given these two or three tries, and unfortunately, they're a miss. I read the reviews on Bloomindales.com and decided to size up a little, for a little extra width. I got these in a 9.5. I have wide feet and that trick sometimes makes all the difference. Unfortunately, in this case, it didn't work. The shoes are still tight across the ball of the foot, and on top of that, they're too long. There's about half an inch of extra shoe at the heel.

Brooks Brothers double-breasted short lambskin trench coat *****
I headed to the Brooks Brothers website because I got an email announcing a 25 percent off Friends and Family sale. I was amazed at how much stuff they had that I liked!

I love, love, love this jacket. Seriously, it's perfect. The leather is extremely soft and buttery. I ordered a size 14 because of the balcony, and the fit in the shoulders is perfect, as is the sleeve length. (This was great news because God knows I didn't want to have to have a leather jacket tailored.) It's the perfect short coat for me because the leather is a little fashion forward, but the trench coat styling is classic. And the length works perfectly over pants and skirts.

For want of a nail

Right around the time we start thinking about wearing sandals in Chicago, I managed to drop a toolbox on my left foot, and gave myself an owie on my big toe.

The results were just as unattractive as you'd think. I had quite a bit of bruising, and I broke my big toenail. It looked ghastly. It's better now, but I'm off pedicures and sandals and all that wonderful summer stuff until it's  grown out. Toenails grow really slowly, and I'm expecting to make it all the way through the summer without wearing sandals. At least, when I'm trying to look good.

It hardly seems fair. Here I am, not even half way through my fifties, and I've discovered another body part that, out of consideration for my fellow man, really should be covered up.

I mean, it's not like I was looking for work as a foot model, but my feet were OK. People didn't point and stare. But now my toes have joined my upper arms, thighs, buttocks, etc., etc., as body parts that must remain hidden, if only out of politeness.

And I've discovered something. What they always say is true; your shoes really do determine your outfit.

I went through my summer shoes and discovered that they're pretty much all open-toed. I have some pumps and slingbacks that would work for summer, but I didn't have anything that would work with casual pants.

I started shopping. I looked for ballerina slippers, because that was the one closed-toe shoe I could think of that wouldn't be hot or heavy looking. I got some subtle, non-logo-centric Tory Burch ones

and some loud, logo-rific Chanel ones

and these Prada driving shoes, but in beige.

But when I got my new loot home, I realized I didn't have anything to wear with them. My new flats looked completely stupid with every single pair of  pants I own (except--maybe--the bronze woven Tory Burch ones with my cargo pants rolled up.) The rest were all too long and too wide for flat shoes.

So I bought some skinny jeans. I know. Skinny jeans and Poppy shouldn't appear in the same sentence. But you can't wear ballerina flats with bootcuts. Your pants can be cropped, straight, or skinny, but not flared.

I also bought a pair of J. Crew Minnie cropped pants. They're OK. (Actually, they're J. Crew's most popular style. But on me, they're just OK.)

So here I am, with three pairs of shoes, two pairs of pants, and nothing to wear.

Stupid toenail! Grow! So I can wear my sandals.

Today's outfit

Just back from lunch with friends at RL in Chicago. It's a beautiful day! Too bad this picture turned out so dark.

Clothes

Two-year-old Lafayette 148 white tunic with embroidery and clear sequins

Ancient NYDJ bootcut jeans

Accessories

Tory Burch gold/bronze Prescot flats
Chanel Blanc Fonce 226 reissue with gold hardware

Jewelry

Hermes bangles in white and yellow gold
YG Michael Kors watch

and my favorite new lipgloss: Guerlain KissKiss in Figue Plaisir

Enjoy your weekend, everyone!