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Thursday, February 24, 2005
And here I thought I was more of a wallflower/geek type
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
Why you don't want to be me
Today I am working on a "musical" number for a Cub Scouts "Pack Night" gathering.
One of my fellow den mothers thought it would be cute for our Bear Pack to perform a rewritten version of "The Super Bowl Shuffle," a "rap" "song" released in 1985 to celebrate the Chicago Bears' Super Bowl victory. Or something.
At the time this "song" was released, I didn't live in Chicago. I lived in Boston, epicenter of the fan base of the opposing team, the New England Patriots. I also don't give a rat's ass about football. So I lived in blissful ignorance of Da Bears, and thus was spared hearing this "song."
Unfortunately I now have to listen to it OVER AND OVER while I rewrite lyrics and then retro fit them into the track (click on "shuffle") my brother-in-law produced for me. (He basically erased the "singing," so it will now be like a Karaoke version of "The Super Bowl Shuffle." As if that would actually improve on the original.)
At any rate, if you never read another post to this blog, it's because I died from blood loss due to the way MY EARS are BLEEDING as I listen over and over to this garbage.
"I didn't come to blog any trouble / I just came to blog the Super Bowl shuffle."
--P., a/k/a DJ Den Mama
One of my fellow den mothers thought it would be cute for our Bear Pack to perform a rewritten version of "The Super Bowl Shuffle," a "rap" "song" released in 1985 to celebrate the Chicago Bears' Super Bowl victory. Or something.
At the time this "song" was released, I didn't live in Chicago. I lived in Boston, epicenter of the fan base of the opposing team, the New England Patriots. I also don't give a rat's ass about football. So I lived in blissful ignorance of Da Bears, and thus was spared hearing this "song."
Unfortunately I now have to listen to it OVER AND OVER while I rewrite lyrics and then retro fit them into the track (click on "shuffle") my brother-in-law produced for me. (He basically erased the "singing," so it will now be like a Karaoke version of "The Super Bowl Shuffle." As if that would actually improve on the original.)
At any rate, if you never read another post to this blog, it's because I died from blood loss due to the way MY EARS are BLEEDING as I listen over and over to this garbage.
"I didn't come to blog any trouble / I just came to blog the Super Bowl shuffle."
--P., a/k/a DJ Den Mama
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
Television programs I have never seen
Stolen from Blackbird:
The A-Team
Ally McBeal
American Idol
Angel
The Bachelor
Baywatch
Beauty and the Beast
Beverly Hills 90210
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Dawsons Creek
Desperate Housewives
Drew Carey
ER
Everybody Loves Raymond
Family Guy
Frasier
Garry Shandling
Gilmore Girls
Hawaii Five O
Highlander
Home Improvement
The Iron Chef
Judging Amy
Just Shoot Me
King of the Hill
LA Law
Law And Order
Mad About You
Melrose Place
My So-Called Life
NYPD Blue
The O.C.
The Osbornes
Picket Fences
Quantum Leap
Queer As Folk
Queer Eye for the Straight Guy
Real World
Red Dwarf
Sabrina
Saved by the Bell
St. Elsewhere
Six Feet Under
Smallville
Sopranos
South Park
Stargate
The Practice
The Tick
The View
The West Wing
This Old House
Touched by an Angel
Twin Peaks
Will and Grace
Wings
The Wonder Years
Xena
No wonder I have time to blog.
The A-Team
Ally McBeal
American Idol
Angel
The Bachelor
Baywatch
Beauty and the Beast
Beverly Hills 90210
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Dawsons Creek
Desperate Housewives
Drew Carey
ER
Everybody Loves Raymond
Family Guy
Frasier
Garry Shandling
Gilmore Girls
Hawaii Five O
Highlander
Home Improvement
The Iron Chef
Judging Amy
Just Shoot Me
King of the Hill
LA Law
Law And Order
Mad About You
Melrose Place
My So-Called Life
NYPD Blue
The O.C.
The Osbornes
Picket Fences
Quantum Leap
Queer As Folk
Queer Eye for the Straight Guy
Real World
Red Dwarf
Sabrina
Saved by the Bell
St. Elsewhere
Six Feet Under
Smallville
Sopranos
South Park
Stargate
The Practice
The Tick
The View
The West Wing
This Old House
Touched by an Angel
Twin Peaks
Will and Grace
Wings
The Wonder Years
Xena
No wonder I have time to blog.
Monday, February 21, 2005
Welp--time's a-wasting, folks. I'd better get cracking.
Stolen from Quirky Chick. Her list was much longer than this, but I left out the stuff I actually have done. (My, what a rich full life I appear to have led.)
Still:
I’ve never crashed a friend’s car.
I’ve never been to Japan.
I’ve never had group intercourse.
I never sneaked out of my parent’s house.
I’ve never been arrested.
I’ve never celebrated New Year's Eve in Times Square.
I’ve never celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
I’ve never cut myself on purpose.
I’ve never been divorced.
I’ve never gotten someone drunk just to have sex with him.
I’ve never killed anyone.
I’ve never received scars from my sex partner.
I’ve never thrown up in a bar.
I’ve never purposely set a part of myself on fire.
I’ve never been snowboarding.
If I start proceedings tomorrow, maybe I can get the divorce thing taken care of by Friday, which would leave the weekend free so I can snowboard--if the weather holds--and then throw up in a bar.
Still:
I’ve never crashed a friend’s car.
I’ve never been to Japan.
I’ve never had group intercourse.
I never sneaked out of my parent’s house.
I’ve never been arrested.
I’ve never celebrated New Year's Eve in Times Square.
I’ve never celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
I’ve never cut myself on purpose.
I’ve never been divorced.
I’ve never gotten someone drunk just to have sex with him.
I’ve never killed anyone.
I’ve never received scars from my sex partner.
I’ve never thrown up in a bar.
I’ve never purposely set a part of myself on fire.
I’ve never been snowboarding.
If I start proceedings tomorrow, maybe I can get the divorce thing taken care of by Friday, which would leave the weekend free so I can snowboard--if the weather holds--and then throw up in a bar.
A shout out for Joke
Not to gloat or anything. But in yesterday's grocery- shopping expedition, I saw--and therefore simply had to buy--a box of Quisp. And then of course I was compelled to take a photograph and upload it in order to taunt Joke with Quisp's apparent ubiquity in my neck of the woods.
And to demonstrate to the entire internet how completely mental I am, I had the box pose nicely next to one of the big-ass bottles of ORGANIC MILK I buy every week. Because nothing suits a bowl of refined flour and white sugar manufactured by the ruthless capitalists of the Quaker Oats company (a subsidiary of PepsiCo) more than creamy lashings of two percent organic milk coaxed from the willing teats of contented cows while they--I have no doubt--moo in bovine pleasure.
So Joke; how many cases of Quisp did you want me to buy and bring to Walt Disney World when we drive down for spring break?
Remember: we're going to either buy or rent a slothful minivan. With a huge cargo capacity.
--P
And to demonstrate to the entire internet how completely mental I am, I had the box pose nicely next to one of the big-ass bottles of ORGANIC MILK I buy every week. Because nothing suits a bowl of refined flour and white sugar manufactured by the ruthless capitalists of the Quaker Oats company (a subsidiary of PepsiCo) more than creamy lashings of two percent organic milk coaxed from the willing teats of contented cows while they--I have no doubt--moo in bovine pleasure.
So Joke; how many cases of Quisp did you want me to buy and bring to Walt Disney World when we drive down for spring break?
Remember: we're going to either buy or rent a slothful minivan. With a huge cargo capacity.
--P
Saturday, February 19, 2005
Glasses are the new hat
We've all heard variations on the theme of "[blank] is the New Black." Eventually every shade in the spectrum will be called into play because fashion types can't make up their minds: "Brown is the new ... " no, wait ... make that "Pink is the new ..." no wait .... And because all things come to those who stand and wait, eventually, our ears are gladdened by the inevitable ever-so-clever self-referential "Black is the new Black."
Well, whoop de do, fashion types. I have news for you. Glasses are the new black. Or at least, glasses are the new hat.
You see, in old movies--I'm talking movies of the 30s, 40s, and 50s--you know, old--hats were huge. Ladies' hats, that is. Why, in Another Thin Man the witty dialogue was derived from a single source: the repetition of the line "Gee, that's a screwy hat." This peerless jest was delivered by a variety of characters, always in reference to the same hat. It resembled a wide-brimmed off-center unicorn's horn. Yes, it was screwy, but damn, that hat had some serious fun. In a single evening it went to a prize fight and into the jockey's locker room at the local track, and which of us could say the same?
Well, nobody wears hats anymore. Not even Myrna Loy. Oh, maybe we do when it's cold, or when we're pretending to be English, i.e., going to a garden party or an afternoon wedding, or when we want to lie out in the sun with a trashy novel. But basically, hats are not happening.
But remember the hat-centric time when the unhappy housewife would be advised to run out and buy herself a new hat? It seems there was a time, pre-Paxil, when a new hat worked as well or better than a couple of dry martinis as regards preserving the harried housewife's supply of seratonin.
And what does the average housewife got to be depressed about these days? The usual stuff that always bothered us, and one of those things is the ageing process. Which, you will remember, comes accompanied with changes in one's vision. Presbyopia, to be exact.
Well, call me Pollyanna, but why not look at the bright side of going blind? Why not take advantage of this God-given reason to buy yourself some mega-kewl glasses? Skip Lasik, shelve the contact lenses, and have some fun with the fact that you can't read the phone book any more. Take me, for example. I've been having some serious fun with presbyopia ever since I discovered that I couldn't read newspaper headlines, let alone the small print.
My latest pair of glasses, which inspired me to write this in the first place, is purple. And cat's-eyed. On top of that, they're only purple on the outside; the inside of the frames is teal green. Yes, they sound weird, but trust me. They are FABULOUS. The shape flatters my face, the color flatters my complexion, and basically, they're as good as a face lift, except not nearly as expensive and way less painful.
Plus, since along with my new frames I also got a new prescription, I have this dazzling new clarity of vision. It's practically surreal. If you ever sat through the opening sequence of David Lynch's Blue Velvet, you know what life is looking like to me these days.
So back to the subject of hats. Until such time as they come back, glasses are the nearest substitute for something you wear near your face that can give you a whole new look. If you wear glasses and they're over two years' old, they are too old. Go out and buy yourself a new pair right now. Get a pair in a cool shape. Get an emphatic color, too. Gold or silver wire rims are for grannies, baby.
Trust me on this. You take a no-longer-particularly-youthful face and park a pair of cutting edge fashion-forward glasses on its nose, and all of a sudden, things start to happen. Your look now says "I am so not a middle-aged American housewife. I am a European woman of a certain age, cheri." Parking garage attendents and UPS guys will start flirting with you big time.
OK, this might strike some as shallow. But presbyopia is nature's way of letting us know that we're old and wise enough to enjoy a few frivolous pleasures.
Well, whoop de do, fashion types. I have news for you. Glasses are the new black. Or at least, glasses are the new hat.
You see, in old movies--I'm talking movies of the 30s, 40s, and 50s--you know, old--hats were huge. Ladies' hats, that is. Why, in Another Thin Man the witty dialogue was derived from a single source: the repetition of the line "Gee, that's a screwy hat." This peerless jest was delivered by a variety of characters, always in reference to the same hat. It resembled a wide-brimmed off-center unicorn's horn. Yes, it was screwy, but damn, that hat had some serious fun. In a single evening it went to a prize fight and into the jockey's locker room at the local track, and which of us could say the same?
Well, nobody wears hats anymore. Not even Myrna Loy. Oh, maybe we do when it's cold, or when we're pretending to be English, i.e., going to a garden party or an afternoon wedding, or when we want to lie out in the sun with a trashy novel. But basically, hats are not happening.
But remember the hat-centric time when the unhappy housewife would be advised to run out and buy herself a new hat? It seems there was a time, pre-Paxil, when a new hat worked as well or better than a couple of dry martinis as regards preserving the harried housewife's supply of seratonin.
And what does the average housewife got to be depressed about these days? The usual stuff that always bothered us, and one of those things is the ageing process. Which, you will remember, comes accompanied with changes in one's vision. Presbyopia, to be exact.
Well, call me Pollyanna, but why not look at the bright side of going blind? Why not take advantage of this God-given reason to buy yourself some mega-kewl glasses? Skip Lasik, shelve the contact lenses, and have some fun with the fact that you can't read the phone book any more. Take me, for example. I've been having some serious fun with presbyopia ever since I discovered that I couldn't read newspaper headlines, let alone the small print.
My latest pair of glasses, which inspired me to write this in the first place, is purple. And cat's-eyed. On top of that, they're only purple on the outside; the inside of the frames is teal green. Yes, they sound weird, but trust me. They are FABULOUS. The shape flatters my face, the color flatters my complexion, and basically, they're as good as a face lift, except not nearly as expensive and way less painful.
Plus, since along with my new frames I also got a new prescription, I have this dazzling new clarity of vision. It's practically surreal. If you ever sat through the opening sequence of David Lynch's Blue Velvet, you know what life is looking like to me these days.
So back to the subject of hats. Until such time as they come back, glasses are the nearest substitute for something you wear near your face that can give you a whole new look. If you wear glasses and they're over two years' old, they are too old. Go out and buy yourself a new pair right now. Get a pair in a cool shape. Get an emphatic color, too. Gold or silver wire rims are for grannies, baby.
Trust me on this. You take a no-longer-particularly-youthful face and park a pair of cutting edge fashion-forward glasses on its nose, and all of a sudden, things start to happen. Your look now says "I am so not a middle-aged American housewife. I am a European woman of a certain age, cheri." Parking garage attendents and UPS guys will start flirting with you big time.
OK, this might strike some as shallow. But presbyopia is nature's way of letting us know that we're old and wise enough to enjoy a few frivolous pleasures.
Friday, February 18, 2005
"Meme meme meme!" she sang, ignoring the tomatoes
Prompted by pal Badger, I answer the following thoughtful questions:
1. Song that sounds like happy feels
I would pick "Pump It Up" by Elvis Costello or "Got to Get You Into My Life" by the Beatles, except that would be plagiarism, because I got the idea from Badger. So I'll say it's "That's Neat, That's Nice" by NRBQ.
2. Earliest memory
Of pop music--that would be the time a babysitter gave us a copy of Meet the Beatles. I was about six. Or a Ray Charles album my parents had. It was Ray Charles does the Twist, and there were these diagrams on the back cover of feet, showing you how to do the twist. (Yes, I realize it should be Chubby Checker, but it was Ray. And yes, I also realize I'm old.)
3. Last CD you bought
Classical? The Spectacular Voice of Marilyn Horne: Rossini Heroes and Heroines. Pop? I have no idea. Although I have downloaded a few songs from iTunes. But you wanted albums.
4. Reminds you of school
The Saturday Night Fever soundtrack reminds me of college. Thank heavens so does Talking Heads: 77.
5. Total music files on your PC
About 20 gigs' worth, but they're mostly my huzbin's. I have about 4 gigs' worth on my laptop because I just keep listening to the same cheesey crappe over and over. Listen, I invented the iPod mini--I have an iPod and it's nowhere near full and I put it on shuffle and just listen to it. Note to the people at Apple: this is not brain surgery, and it doesn't require a separate piece of hardware.
6. Song for listening to repeatedly when depressed
Cheesey disco crappe from the 1970s and 80s. Rick James, for example, makes even doing dishes kind of fun. He was such a sex maniac--how could I not love him? And I'm such a sex maniac--how could I not be cheered up by stuff that raunchy?
7. Song That Sounds British But Isn't
Anything by the Byrds. Or Buffalo Springfield. (Hey, I already admitted I'm old, 'k?)
8. Song you love, band you hate
"S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y Night" by the Bay City Rollers. The remake on the So I Married an Axe Murderer soundtrack floats my boat.
9. A favorite song from the past that took ages to track down
"How About You?" by the New Grass Revival. They were only available on vinyl for way too long. Thank heavens for Limewire.
10. Bought the album for one good song
"Keep on Movin'" by Soul 2 Soul. The version on the CD wasn't the same as the one on the video, which pissed me off to no end.
11. Worst song to get stuck in your head
Anything by the Eagles, with a special shout out to "Hotel California."
12. Best song to dump a beer on someone's head to, then storm out of the bar
"Stand By Your Man." Of course, it goes without saying that the beer dumpee needs to be a man with a strong sense of irony.
12. Who should do this next
Joke
1. Song that sounds like happy feels
I would pick "Pump It Up" by Elvis Costello or "Got to Get You Into My Life" by the Beatles, except that would be plagiarism, because I got the idea from Badger. So I'll say it's "That's Neat, That's Nice" by NRBQ.
2. Earliest memory
Of pop music--that would be the time a babysitter gave us a copy of Meet the Beatles. I was about six. Or a Ray Charles album my parents had. It was Ray Charles does the Twist, and there were these diagrams on the back cover of feet, showing you how to do the twist. (Yes, I realize it should be Chubby Checker, but it was Ray. And yes, I also realize I'm old.)
3. Last CD you bought
Classical? The Spectacular Voice of Marilyn Horne: Rossini Heroes and Heroines. Pop? I have no idea. Although I have downloaded a few songs from iTunes. But you wanted albums.
4. Reminds you of school
The Saturday Night Fever soundtrack reminds me of college. Thank heavens so does Talking Heads: 77.
5. Total music files on your PC
About 20 gigs' worth, but they're mostly my huzbin's. I have about 4 gigs' worth on my laptop because I just keep listening to the same cheesey crappe over and over. Listen, I invented the iPod mini--I have an iPod and it's nowhere near full and I put it on shuffle and just listen to it. Note to the people at Apple: this is not brain surgery, and it doesn't require a separate piece of hardware.
6. Song for listening to repeatedly when depressed
Cheesey disco crappe from the 1970s and 80s. Rick James, for example, makes even doing dishes kind of fun. He was such a sex maniac--how could I not love him? And I'm such a sex maniac--how could I not be cheered up by stuff that raunchy?
7. Song That Sounds British But Isn't
Anything by the Byrds. Or Buffalo Springfield. (Hey, I already admitted I'm old, 'k?)
8. Song you love, band you hate
"S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y Night" by the Bay City Rollers. The remake on the So I Married an Axe Murderer soundtrack floats my boat.
9. A favorite song from the past that took ages to track down
"How About You?" by the New Grass Revival. They were only available on vinyl for way too long. Thank heavens for Limewire.
10. Bought the album for one good song
"Keep on Movin'" by Soul 2 Soul. The version on the CD wasn't the same as the one on the video, which pissed me off to no end.
11. Worst song to get stuck in your head
Anything by the Eagles, with a special shout out to "Hotel California."
12. Best song to dump a beer on someone's head to, then storm out of the bar
"Stand By Your Man." Of course, it goes without saying that the beer dumpee needs to be a man with a strong sense of irony.
12. Who should do this next
Joke
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