What is the sound of one hand holding a telephone?

I think it's internet silence.

Because I don't have much to say. So sue me, internet; I used up this week's supply of drivel on a bunch of marathon telephone calls.

Let me just say that 1) being allergic to telephones and 2) chairing not one but two fundraisers is a bad combination. And before you crack up into loud hoots of derisive laughter--OK, I'm talkative. I freely admit it, so you can stop rolling your eyes. My talking isn't the problem. I don't mean to brag, but when it comes to talking, I have a lot of natural talent. The problem is all the listening I have to do. On the phone. I hate phones. Especially cell phones, but land lines suck, too.

Basically, I've just spent a week doing dishes, moving laundry in and out of machines, making beds, cleaning out the refrigerator, cooking, and tidying the house with one hand while someone keeps me on the phone for the length of (pick one)

a) a root canal
b) a complete detail job on a school bus
c) Ahab's quest for the White Whale

I'm so tired not only can I not think of anything to say on my blog, I don't have the energy to read yours.

Not to mention the tact that I don't have and SORELY NEED.

I find myself saying things like "That's a really good idea; I'll look into it," when my id is screaming "SHUT UP YOU MORONIC WINDBAG!" When I say "Thanks for calling," my id is shouting "IF ONLY THE FUCKING CALLER ID HAD KICKED IN!"

If only a utility existed that would translate people's conversation into a text file, and then email it to me. That I could look at the transcript at my leisure, say, at 4:00 on a Sunday afternoon, which is a depressing time anyway, with nothing good going on, so you might as well catch up with your emails.

Because these marathon telephone sessions are killing me. My mind has all the freshness and savor of the ancient chewing gum that has been stuck under a booth at the town diner. I've been going around holding up one shoulder for hours at a time, and I'm going to end up like Quasimodo.

Not to mention that people, please. Sometimes I need to pee.

Glub Glub Glub

Just coming up for a breath of air. How are you? I'm chairing two fundraisers; one in May and one in June.

In other words, I'm drowning.

Cue Paul McCartney

Yesterday was bliss.

Unfortunately, this morning I woke up to the dull realization that today isn't yesterday. And what fresh hell awaits me today? We won't go into that right now. Instead, I'll keep things light and breezy. I'll spread sweetness and light. In short: I'll talk about yesterday.

Oh, the blissfully blissful bliss of having blackbird as my personal shopper! (For anyone just coming in, she went through the hassle of buying a Wii and is shipping it to me.) We talked on the phone yesterday, and the bliss continued. Even though my my kids were home, they kept their contributions down to wandering on stage from time to time to say something to me in a duck-like quack. Which was not overly intrusive, not to mention that now blackbird knows I'm not making up the part about having children. Which gives this blog an air of verisimilitude.

Also: surprise! She's hilarious. (That was irony. Of course she's hilarious.)

Also: I actually had fun volunteering at my kids' school. I was a lunch lady. It was fine. My daughter even seemed pleased to see me.

Also: I baked Oatmeal Crispies for the Girl Scout meeting, using a new recipe, which I put together amazingly fast, thanks to my KitchenAid mixer. The resulting cookies were well received.

Also: Girl Scout "Thinking Day" went well, and what is crucially important, my daughter appeared to enjoy herself.

Also: I changed my kids karate class from Wednesday to Monday. The Monday class is smaller, and the students have with a wider range of abilities. My kids did great! And there were no moms waiting with me, so I read while I waited.

Also: dinner was at McDonald's. I know. I even ate there myself. I know. But double Filet-O-Fish^TM sandwiches, people!

OK, so. Now to deal with today. The two fundraisers I'm chairing. The lack of Filet-O-Fish sandwiches (even single ones.) And the engine light on my VW Passat. Which turned on a couple of days ago. Yes, the car that was in the shop for three months. And now has to go back again.

Envy me

for my powers of whining. Because apparently in this blog, I have, without trying, invented a potent cocktail that will, if you imbibe enough of it, cause you to give me what I want.

For example:

My son wanted a Wii for Christmas. I tried (not all that hard, I'll admit it--does browsing the internet count?) and failed to get one for him.

Reasoning that it was inevitable that the supply of Wiis would increase, capitalism being the way it is, I decided to bide my time. Surely right after Christmas the stores would begin to bulge with Wiis. In fact, a vast flood of them would threaten to engulf us all. (Remember Tickle Me Elmo? Cabbage Patch dolls?)

So my son got a gift certificate from Santa Claus, with the promise of a Wii by his birthday.

Well, his birthday is in April. And still no Wiis are to be found. (Not that I've gotten off my fat ass to actually go out and look for one, mind you. But internet searches and the occasional phone call to Best Buy are coming up with zero.)

And then, yesterday, when I was at church for four hours, not praying for a Wii (because I was too busy praying for forgiveness of your sins. Yes, yours, and yours, too) Blackbird was emailing me to tell me that she had bought a Wii, and if I wanted it, she'd send it to me.

Check her blog for the gory details of the getting up before dawn and the waiting in line at her local Target. I mean, how nice is she????

(You'll need to scroll down past all those pictures of Anne Hathaway needing better underwear.)

So. While any fool can tell that this blog is 99 percent drivel, the lesson to learn is this: don't knock drivel. Apparently, lots of drivel + whining + extremely short paragraphs = your own personal shopper providing you with exactly what you want. And even shipping it to your front door. So you really don't ever need to tear yourself away from your laptop.


+

=

Bliss.

OK, and now I'm feeling like Peter O'Toole in Lawrence of Arabia when he talked about how much he enjoyed killing people.

Because with 392 eBay feedbacks under my belt, I just left my first negative one.

AND IT FELT GOOD.

Meme a little meme of me

Shamelessly ripped off from Suzanne of Perfecting Procrastination. Whom I love. Why do I love her? Not only does she link to this blog, she links to Mamarazzi. And more than that, she totally gets it when I hint--fairly obviously--that the newly pregnant Charlotte Church might be morphing into Britney Spears. Even though the comparison appeared to be lost on almost everyone else.

To reward Suzanne for her perspicacity, I, the inimitable Poppy, a Partly-Digested Parboiled Squid in the TTLB ecosystem, am finally getting around to linking to her amazing blog.

I'm also going to do her meme. Which is about which music had your shaking your groove thing during your formative years, man. Also, which music gagged you with a spoon. This meme is the real deal-i-o, hep cats and cool chicks. Want to find out what kind of weirdo I was when I was 18? Read it and laugh.

First, here are the rules:

1. Go to popculturemadness.com and select the year (in the left sidebar) you turned 18.

2. Paste the list of the top 75 songs. (Except I stopped at 40. My readers don't have much of an attention span.)

3. Bold the ones you liked; strike the ones you disliked; and italicize the ones you knew but didn't exactly like or dislike. The ones you don’t know will stay plain text.

I don't know whether this is a spoiler, but it's clear that 1.) If you didn't dance to it, I wasn't interested; 2) I hated country; 3) I was completely uninterested in what was up-and-coming in the realm of rock (i.e., had never heard of Bruce Springsteen at this point) and with the exception of my dislike for Elton John's whininess, irritating falsetto voices, and sappy chick singers, had pretty well stabilized Truly Terrible Taste.

1. Get Down Tonight - KC & The Sunshine Band
2. Thank God I'm A Country Boy - John Denver
3. That's the Way (I Like It) - K.C. and the Sunshine Band
4. Cut The Cake - Average White Band (AWB)
5. Lady Marmalade - Patti LaBelle
6. Jive Talkin' - Bee Gees
7. You're The First, The Last, My Everything - Barry White
8. Shining Star - Earth Wind And Fire
9. Some Kind of Wonderful - Grand Funk
10. Send In The Clowns - Judy Collins
11. Boogie On Reggae Woman - Stevie Wonder
12. You Are So Beautiful - Joe Cocker
13. The Hustle - Van McCoy
14. Best Of My Love - The Eagles
15. Rock and Roll All Night (Studio) - Kiss
16. Low Rider - War
17. "They Just Can't Stop It" (Games People Play) - Spinners
18. Lovin' You - Minnie Riperton
19. Someone Saved My Life Tonight - Elton John
20. Free Bird - Lynyrd Skynyrd
21. SOS - ABBA
22. Nights On Broadway - Bee Gees
23. How Sweet It Is - James Taylor
24. Pick Up The Pieces - Average White Band
25. Saturday Night Special - Lynyrd Skynyrd
26. Wasted Days and Wasted Nights - Freddy Fender
27. Sun Goddess - Ramsey Lewis & Earth, Wind and Fire
28. It Only Takes a Minute - Tavares
29. Black Water - Doobie Brothers
30. Ballroom Blitz - Sweet
31. My Eyes Adored You - Frankie Valli
32. Shame, Shame, Shame - Shirley and Company
33. Long Tall Glasses (I Can Dance) - Leo Sayer
34. Why Can't We Be Friends? - War
35. Born To Run - Bruce Springsteen
36. Philadelphia Freedom - Elton John
37. Harry Truman - Chicago
38. Sadie - the Spinners
39. Feel Like Makin' Love - Bad Company
40. Killer Queen - Queen

In addition to new posts on this blog, there are a lot of things you don't see much any more.

Alka-Seltzer ads



Not that I miss these.



Or him.

Lifeguards with white zinc cream all over their noses

OK. Can somebody explain what this was about?


Maybe what I miss most ... Nicole Kidman's natural hair color. Why doesn't she want to be a redhead any more?

I liked them. (Are they still on?)


Psssssst! This stuff didn't work.

This didn't work either. And could be replaced with a wire hanger. Or cable.

Also:

telephone booths

women with curlers in their hair

Tokens. Subway or highway.