This time, Kate Hudson gets it.

I'm over at Mamarazzi, viciously skewering Hollywood starlets with itty bitty titties.

A Tale of Two Spidies

(That's "Spy-deeze," as in Spiderman's nickname.)

See, here's the thing; I love my blog readers, I love you blog writers out there ... but sometimes, (with apologies to Myrow and Gordon):

You make me feel so old;
You make me feel un-apropos;
And every time you start to blog,
I get brain fog, just like a dying dog.

I'm not one of those bloggers who feels pressed to confess my real name, my weight, my children's names, etc., etc., but I will admit that I'm no spring chicken, so would you do me a favor and stop freaking out that you're turning 30? OK? Is it too much to ask--even of a pipsqueak whose mother's milk is still wet on his lips because he is, in case I forgot, due to my impending Alzheimer's Disease--about to turn 30???

Thank you.

So, because I'm not going to upload a scan of my driver's license, here is the proof, if any is needed, that I am not Generation X or Y or Z or even Generation A-prime. I'm a baby-boomer. I didn't watch this on Saturday morning; I watched this.

Mine is the first, the original Spiderman--not that other one, and certainly not the live-action ones starring what's-his-name--you know--that whippersnapper who probably isn't even 30 yet either.

p.s. For you Ramones fans--I didn't watch this one either. But I would have liked it. I like this one, too.

The 10 Greatest Unsung Inventions of the 20th Century

1. The cordless phone. Everyone is all "oooh, cell phones are so cool," but no one is remembering the days when you were stuck at the phone, immobile, watching your life pass before your eyes while someone blathered on and on. But with a cordless phone, during a conversation of the same length, I can make three beds, empty the dishwasher, load the dishwasher, get the mail, sign for a package, pick up the living room, throw a load of clothes in the washer--basically anything you can do with one hand,* I can and have done while holding a cordless phone.

2. Books on CD. With books on CD, I have the best of the old and the new. I rip a book, upload it to my iPod, and thanks to this 21st century technology, I can listen to someone read aloud. I listen while I'm making beds, emptying the dishwasher, loading the dishwasher ... is this sounding familiar? Audiobooks are the new crack.

3. eBay. In bringing together the collector and the source, eBay has singlehandedly made more successful matches than e-Harmony and My Space put together.

4. Radio. Sure, we have podcasting now, and some of you scoffers may call traditional radio outmoded, but the best way to watch a baseball game is still with the television sound off and the radio on.

5. The humble blender. Now we need never go without wonderful yummy slushy drinks.

6. Transitional lenses. Now we can be blind as a bat, and no one will be the wiser.

7. The canning process that makes Pub Draft Guinness possible.

8. White boards. Although a couple of generations of children have missed the opportunity to clap erasers for the teacher.

9. Cold cereal. Think about it. Without cold cereal, Life, as we know it, would be impossible.

10. The ATM card. You say your drug dealer will only accept cash? No problem.

* No, not that.

Badger's Ology Meme

GRUB-OLOGY

* What is your salad dressing of choice? I rub the salad bowl with the cut side of a garlic clove; add the salad ingredients; add a splash of Extra Virgin Olive Oil; toss; add a very small amount of something sour (any one of a variety of vinegars, but sometimes lemon juice)); toss; add salt and pepper; toss.
* What is your favorite fast food restaurant? I hate fast food.
* What is your favorite sit down restaurant? I don't know. I really don't like to go out to dinner that much. On the other hand, I love being waited on. I guess Cracker Barrel. Or Warren's.
* On average, what size tip do you leave at a restaurant? I leave 20 percent or more if the service is good (or if I'm buying something really cheap; it seems silly to leave someone fifty cents) and less if the service sucked.
* What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of? Bread.
* Name three foods you detest above all others. Cremora; those chocolates that have a jelly filling; salmon. The first two are fairly easy to avoid, but that last one is stalking me.
* What is your favorite dish to order in a Chinese restaurant? If Taiwanese, steamed buns with barbecued pork. If regular, Ma Po Tofu.
* What are your pizza toppings of choice? At home, I like goat cheese, if I'm feeling chichi. Otherwise, I like vegetables, especially broccoli. Or anchovies. No meat.
* What do you like to put on your toast? Butter and raspberry jam.
* What is your favorite type of gum? Eclipse sugarless peppermint.

TECH-OLOGY

* Number of contacts in your cell phone? Maybe a dozen.
* Number of contacts in your email address book? Maybe forty.
* What is your wallpaper on your computer? The regular blue background. I need to be able to see.
* What is the screen saver on your computer? The record cover art for everything I've downloaded from iTunes, which means that Lord Peter Wimsey novel covers are duking it out with Al Green, Marilyn Horne, and Marilyn Monroe.
* Are there naked pictures saved on your computer? Yes, but they're not of me.
* How many land line phones do you have in your house? Six.
* How many televisions are in your house? Three.
* What kitchen appliance do you use the least? Coffee maker.
* What is the format of the radio station you listen to the most? Pre-thirties jazz and swing.
* How many sex toys do you own that require batteries? That depends--are we talking about things like massagers or wink-wink-nudge-nudge "massagers?" Actually it doesn't matter; I guarantee that anything battery-operated I own that designed for my pleasure has been stripped of its batteries and isn't working, because someone needed the batteries for a toy.

BI-OLOGY

* What do you consider to be your best physical attribute? My left hand.
* Are you right handed or left handed? Right.
* Do you like your smile? Not really, so I do a lot of scowling, instead.
* Have you ever had anything removed from your body? A couple of teeth. A couple of bumps from my face. A boy. (The girl came out by herself.)
* Would you like to? Sure. Need anything? Help yourself.
* Do you prefer to read when you go to the bathroom? Yes. I loathe being bored.
* Which of your five senses do you think is keenest? Touch, which makes me a fun date. The rest of my senses haven't performed particularly well since I was in high school.
* When was the last time you had a cavity? Cavities? Who gets cavities any more? Cavities are for newbies. Me, I have crowns replaced, and the dentist "cleans up" the icky stuff before installing a new one.
* What is the heaviest item you lift regularly? It's a tie between a mug of tea, a glass of wine, and my laptop. (Not really. Actually, I juggle a lot of suitcases.)
* Have you ever been knocked unconscious? Nope--not even when they were removing the boy.

MISC-OLOGY

* If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? I don't know. I'll have to get back to you about that. At some time in the indefinite future.
* If you could change your first name, what would you change it to? What--you don't like Poppy? I like it--it's flowery without being fulsome.
* How do you express your artistic side? By cleaning up other people's messes, but leaving my crap all over the place.
* What color do you think you look best in? Red.
* How long do you think you could last in a medium security prison? That depends. Do I get to be butch, or do I have to be femme?
* Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake? Sure. You know those caps at the end of a ballpoint pen that are so fun to remove with your teeth?
* If we weren't bound by society's conventions, do you have a relative you'd make a pass at? Well, I have a cousin I used to think was kind of cute. But no, I wouldn't. On the whole, I didn't make a whole lot of passes even when I was younger and cuter. Why would I risk rejection now to commit incest? Anyway, I'm married.
* How often do you go to church? Whenever I want to, and sometimes when I don't.
* Have you ever saved someone's life? Nope.
* Has someone ever saved yours? Yep.

DARE-OLOGY
For this last section, if you would do it for less or more money, indicate how much.

* Would you walk naked for a half mile down a public street for any amount of money whatsoever? No.
* Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100? Yes, if I were drunk, it was a joke, and the poor girl didn't read too much into it. I'm no heartbreaker.
* Would you have sex with a member of the same sex for $10,000? No, but not because I'd think it was icky. I mean, we're talking someone I'd find cute, right? But no, because I'm no ho, and anyway, I'm married.
* Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000? NO WAY. Sick bastid.
* Would you never blog again for $50,000? Maybe.
* Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000? Frankly, I think the magazine would pay me to keep my clothes on.
* Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1,000? Yes, if I were drunk, it was a joke, and the poor bottle didn't read too much into it.
* Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000? Why anyone pay me that kind of money when the state of Texas does that for free?
* Would you shave your head and get your entire body waxed for $5,000? That's not enough money. I'd do it for a million dollars, though.
* Would you give up watching television for a year for $25,000? Sure. Hell, I'd be ripping someone off by going that high; I'd do it for a lot less.

Blackbird's 5 Things Meme

Stolen from blackbird, who stole it from Sassy Lime...

5 things in my closet

a shoe box of sewing supplies
a hanging shelf people use for sweaters, except mine is full of scarf boxes
two hat boxes containing two kick-ass hats
Tom Cruise
lots of shoes, stored, whenever possible, in their original boxes

5 things in my fridge -

organic 2 percent milk
left-over Thai food
Smucker's natural peanut butter, creamy not chunky
white wine
12 oz. cans of Diet Coke because I hate the way it goes flat when you buy bottles

5 things in my car

CDs for the children
two broken Hunter Douglas blinds to return to the store to return to the factory to repair and then rehang ourselves, God damn it.
Nintendo GameBoy Advance SP recharger
my cell phone recharger
A StarTours badge hanging from the rear-view mirrir identifying the driver as a Pod Racer

5 things in my purse

a red leather lipstick case with a mirror and a good, all-purpose shade of lipstick (currently Maybelline Wet Shines Diamond in Mauvey Rocks)
black leather Versace wallet/checkbook combo that my husband, who thinks I have elegant taste, brought me from Rome. Filled, needless to say, with Felix the Cat checks.
small red filofax
prescription sunglasses
pink Razr cell phone

Why do you seek the nasty among the nice?

I'm over at Mamarazzi today. Making fun of Tom Cruise. (Yes, again.)

Lobster trapped

On Saturday night That Stud Muffin I Married and I went to a Bring Your Own Lobster party.

I've never been to a lobster boil in Illinois, so I commend my hostess on her originality, but the evening left much to be desired. In fact, I couldn't wait to leave.

First of all, we were asked to bring live lobsters, and the two lobsters I bought cost me $50. Then there was the babysitting, which probably cost another fifty. And for $100, That Stud Muffin I Married and I could have gone out to a nice dinner, a lobster dinner, even--and the conversation would have been better.

Well, of course it would have been better. In terms of percentages, I would have been able to dominate as much as 85 percent of the conversation, my husband's contributions being to order the meal, pick the wine, laugh at my jokes, and pay the check. Whereas, at this BYOL party, I was forced--out of politeness--to let other people talk. And that can be such a problem at times.

Now, during the course of the evening, I alluded once or twice to Mamarazzi, and it's quite possible that one of these dinner guests will find his or her way over there, and then to this blog. For their benefit, I will now provide a precis of What Not to Do While at a Dinner Party:

1. Do not ask people personal questions designed primarily to elicit socio-economic information. This is a naked attempt to discover people's social class, and the intelligent among them will either resent it or find it silly. Or both.

Forbidden questions include: "Oh, you grew up in the Erewhon area? Where did you go to school?" "Where did you go to college?" "Oh, so you live in Oz? Where, exactly?" "Your house in Utopia--is it on the water?" "Is your place near that country club--what's the name of it again?"

For the record, when people ask him where he grew up, That Stud Muffin I Married takes enormous pleasure in answering "Indiana" or "Indianapolis," because in the Chicago area, Indianapolis is almost completely connotation-free. He really enjoys the blank stares he gets.

But me? I was in shock. I've been asked fewer questions at job interviews. It was unbelievable. What ever happened to "Seen any good movies lately?" or "How 'bout them Cubs?"

2. Do not warm up to people based on their answers to questions you shouldn't have been asking in the first place. This will make them realize that they've passed muster with you. And they will find you really pathetic. So pathetic that their eyes will well over with tears of pity for your sad little snobberies. And they will want to weep. Or laugh. But being well-behaved sorts, they will wait to laugh until they're in their car.

And then, a few days later, they will blog about it.